#im pretty sure ive been writing for at least two hours

[becauseplot]

Last night I finished Ordem Paranormal: Calamidade Episode 2! A five hour episode---lots of things to think about lots of things to talk about, hooooo boy.

Second set of characters! Second set of characters! More little guys for me to rotate!

Going into this season, I already knew that there was going to be another team of players/characters moving through the story, but this doesn't make it any less of a delight! So happy to see Luis, Triz, and João back in action, and now we have a couple new players, Mount and Zero. Exciting!

I suppose this is what Cellbit meant when he said at the beginning of the season that even he doesn't know how this story will end. Since we have our "good guys" team and "bad guys" team, the success of their respective order's missions is going to depend directly on the players' actions. The fate of the story has been almost entirely put in the hands of the players. And now whatever happens, happens.

This episode wasn't particularly plot-heavy: mostly just a bunch of fights one after the other. But that's not to say this episode wasn't without its moments. And it certainly didn't feel like it was lacking on the character-front, no sir. It was a pretty fun episode for me, because I love watching fights---not as much as I love watching character moments, but the fights are fun as well. And they can also lead to character moments!

Depicted: the Escripta crew demonstrates all five stages of grief simultaneously as T-Bag takes 38 damage in a single round from Signore Leone.

Alright let's go down the list.

Demir and Boris! Lumping them together because I. I'm sorry I don't have any major feelings about them right now. They exist! They seem to be twins! They had a brother whose name I can't quite remember but presumably died to something to do with the Devil, if I remember correctly. All the more reason to want to do away with the paranormal. Could they be the same brothers that the previous case was about? Probably not, but interesting that we have some characters with a direct history with the Devil. I just really think it's funny that this is the second time Luis has played a character with a "body double" if that makes sense. I don't quite know how to articulate it but out there exists some sort of Venn-Diagram between Damir and Luci/Fer with a non-zero middle part.

Anyway very interesting combat strategy they have, with Damir using rituals to buff Boris' weapon and defense for combat. They both care deeply about each other, as is obvious with the ways they try to stick close and protect each other. They're not just siblings, they're a functional duo! Also I believe it was Demir who said, when "the Devil" showed up, "This is not our fight." Something like that. Do I sense a hint of reluctance to fight for the Escriptas? To lay down your life for them? Why join in the first place? Is it better to cut your losses? Incheresting... (I could also be completely making this up, but I'm too lazy to go back and check.)

T-Bag! The rabid feral dog of the team! Auto subs hated whatever the hell he was saying about killing his dad but I'm convinced that 50% of what was coming out of his mouth was unhinged nonsense so it's...alright, I suppose. I find it infinitely hilarious that this guy has one of the largest sanity stats of the whole team. Yeah he might be crazy but he's not crazy, you know? His craziness is not a detriment to him, it's just how he is. Just a hungry little cannibal guy <3 Just looking for his next meal <3 Eating Artemis' possum for a snack to tide him over <3

Artemis! Firstly her personality is. So funny? Whenever shit is going down she always seems annoyed, like, "Man, now this is happening? Come on. 🙄" And meanwhile the "this" that is happening is a bunch of people are beating the shit out of each other and trying to murder her. When Gal (we'll get to him a second don't worry) sat down on that table in the front room to do his typical postering bullshit, Artemis just rolled her eyes and shoved him out of the way so that she could level her sniper on it. And that endeared me to her immediately <3 So sorry Triz's little possum friend got eaten two seconds into the season. 2 for 2 on dead animal friends, I'm afraid. Funny to think about how the Marcados are (theoretically) connected to each other by their players, and Triz's characters unfortunately inherited the link of "Animal friends who perch on your shoulder get their necks snapped." Sorry :T

Oh yeah and she's a cannibal too! Diversity win! There are two cannibals on the team and they are very different people who come from clearly very different walks of life and have a different style of cannibalism! That really caught me off guard. When she started to eat the dead body beside T-Bag I was shocked and absolutely delighted. Oh, she's a little fucked up too! And she can shape-shift, apparently! Artemis always kept me guessing this episode. Love her <3

Teammates <3

And of course, we now come to Gal. The bastard. The melodramatic sadistic motherfucker who's been here since the beginning of this shitshow. I've said this a billion times in the discord but GOD I love how João plays him. João's performative playstyle is absolutely perfect for a performative, arrogant character like Gal. Ever since his first appearance in OPD, João has put his heart and soul into making this character fucking rotten and wrong and sick, and it works. so. well. Like I said, you LOVE to hate this guy. Gal is a fantastic character, expertly crafted to be the perfect villain. Even on a meta level---João will sometimes go as far as to interrupt Cellbit just to keep being evil (cutting off the closing narration of OPD ep 6 to continue describing how Gal goads at Joui and co about Liz's death, to keep counting up his dice on the attack on the first Leone even after Cellbit has told him the guy is dead) and even goad the players (OPD finale, at Guaxi: "Might want to start thinking about a new character, eh?") to make sure that you hate this guy's putrid shriveled guts. No joke, when João showed up on the screen and Gal's little icon appeared on the tabletop, I just about foamed at the mouth.

My genuine reaction on discord.

GOD I love Gal. I want to rip his throat out with my bare hands. I would do unspeakable things to this character and I do NOT mean in the sexy way.

But! We got to see a little more of Gal as a person this session, which I really loved. Seeing him outside of combat and interacting with his subordinates was so much fun. He's fond of some of the Escriptas under his command (when they're not annoying him), especially his "son" Dagan. The way he treats Dagan is almost pet-like and sickly sweet, emphasis on the sickly. He ruffles his hair, brings him gifts, smiles fondly at the thought of Dagan having fun murdering a bunch of people in the rooms upstairs. Honestly it's kind of cute? In a fucked up way to be sure. Still cute though. That's Gal's little guy! Everyone needs a little guy!

I think at the heart of Gal's leadership style is that he has no patience for dealing with people who he thinks should know better. Otherwise, he's chill with you---or as chill as this sadistic bastard can be---and will even try to care for you.

POV: you have to explain to your stupid lackey for the second time that the evidence needs to be translated because you don't speak Italian.

Because on some level, he cares. It shows in how he treats Dagan, it shows on how gently he treated that one soft-spoken girl with the dyed hair (whereas Damir just snapped at her for not making eye-contact when she was talking to him, the dick), it shows in how he tried to do something stop Signore Leone from advancing when Signore Leone used his lionhead mace to throw Artemis against the wall, and it shows how when "the Devil" showed up, Gal looked to Kian and said, "Don't let them [the Escriptas upstairs] die." Even if he knows that all of them will have to die in the end to achieve Kian's goal of destroying the paranormal, some part of him still cares about his team. Sure, it could be that he just wants to make sure that they maintain enough man-power to see the job all the way through, but...no, it's not entirely that. There's something under the surface there, as twisted as he may be. He is not immune to giving a damn.

Kian. This guy. Fucking nerd. I don't dislike his character but I don't have any super strong feelings about him, probably because we haven't seen him as a character very much at this point. His reasoning behind destroying the paranormal is still some whack-ass shit. Over 4000 years to come up with a plan and THIS is what you arrive at? You're kidding. For a guy who """knows everything""" how could you POSSIBLY miss the detail that massacring thousands of people would, I dunno, CAUSE AGONY AND FEAR, which would, I dunno, WEAKEN THE MEMBRANE AND THUS MAKE THE PARANORMAL INFLUENCE IN THE WORLD WORSE. Chopping heads off hydras is what he's doing. Idiot.

It's talked about during Gal's conversation with Signora Leone in the office upstairs. Interesting for a character to understand and possibly even sympathize with the Escriptas' motivation. Signora Leone wants the paranormal to end too! She would do anything to rid the world of it---anything, that is, that doesn't require murdering thousands of innocent people. Gal tries to justify the mess downstairs as "it's the paranormal that's killing your family" like no bro I'm pretty sure that was you?? I get what he's saying, but if the paranormal no longer exists, or if the world was somehow reformed so that it's like the paranormal never existed, who's to say that the Leone family still wouldn't be involved in some sort of dangerous, non-paranormal dealings? It's such a subjective argument. Second grade level of critical thinking. Guess that's what happens when you get indoctrinated into a cult. "Kian sabe" oh please Kian doesn't "sabe" shit.

Anyway, that's about all I have about this episode. The NPCs were cool, watching Gal babysit his gaggle of weirdos was fun, and I liked the part where they nearly blew up T-Bag by firing a bazooka into a (closed) safe. They're so good at this.

Huh, feel like I'm...forgetting something...

OH WAIT.

JOUI IS BACK! MY BOY! MY BESTEST FAVORITEST BOY IS BACK AND HE IS PISSED.

Good lord. I actually screamed when this happened. I just. Okay how do I manage to take the chanting of jouijouijouijouijouijoui in my head and turn it into something intelligible by other human beings.

Let's start with the fact that I LITERALLY posted my Joui sword OPD rambles when I was less than an hour of episode away from this fight. I was over here angsting over the loss of Joui and missing him and talking about how fucked up it is that Mascara-Joui still has his sword, and then I get hit with this. I just. Okay! Sure! Why not!

To be clear: yes, I had seen Joui's OPC character miniature online before, both with and without the mask, and I knew from friends on the discord that Mascara-Joui had a stat sheet and he was STRONG. But, I figured that because Joui is still technically hanging around, it would make sense that maybe he could be like, a fight-assist NPC that would show up at some point to help the Ordem crew. Still an NPC, still emotionless, still masked, still not really Joui. So to see Luba return and play a version of Joui that CLEARLY retains his Joui-ness had me falling out of my chair. It was the last thing I expected. I really thought Joui's fate would be final, a no-going-back deal, since that's a pretty common theme with Ordem---permanent, inescapable consequences. I really thought that everything that made Joui Joui would be lost forever.

But no. Despite everything, Joui is still here, and he is not empty---he has his hate.

So many fucking questions. Most important of all: how is Joui here? He seems to have retained his memories from before he got masked (some of them, at least) but doesn't recognize who Kian is, mistaking him for Luci/Fer. I've got...one theory. Bear with me now. We know that the Devil is some sort of big-shot paranormal entity thing* who seems to thrive off of making pacts with humans. So, the Devil would not be too happy with people who are trying to stop the paranormal. This would include both the Order and the Escriptas, and especially the Escriptas since they're seeking to end the paranormal for good. So, perhaps the Devil used its power (made a pact with Joui somehow?) to restore Mascara-Joui and send him after the Escriptas. The Devil HAS to have something to do with this, considering the walls began to bleed when Joui showed up upstairs---something we know from ep 1 signals the arrival of the Devil---and the mention on the radio of someone claiming to see the Devil (perhaps it made a brief appearance before leaving Joui to it).

*A correction to the previous journal post: this is not the first time we have encountered a seemingly sentient paranormal entity! The God of Death from OSNF was clearly intelligent as well! I have other thoughts about this but they're kinda meta so I won't put them here.

Also, Joui is a very Death-coded character: his pensiveness and the fact that he often thinks back on what has happened when he meditates, the motif of death hanging over him since that night in the graveyard where his friends died, being frozen and helpless to the inevitable as Liz was killed in front of him, his dead-set motive to kill all of the Escriptas following said death, his fate being taken out of his hands and sealed when he made the deal with the Mascaras (more inevitability) and being in a downward spiral trying to kill himself in combat over and over leading up to the deadline. There's probably the more, but that's the gist. I do believe Joui's NEX is well beyond 50%, and he's got to be Death.

Here, though, I see both Death and Blood. Death is in his single-mindedness in this fight. He's like a force of nature, unstoppable, inescapable, inevitable. Given enough time in that fight, he would've killed them all, there's no doubt about it. Blood is in the hate, the sheer hate, he has for Gal and the Escriptas. It is potent. Death is often distinguished the absence of emotion and the inconsequentiality of the flesh, so the hate and violent rage Joui feels cannot be from Death. It has to be Blood, and the Devil I'm sure would be happy to help fill in those gaps. Joui's hate and anger brewed for a majority of OPD, so the Devil has plenty to work with. I love to see my boy cranked up to an 11.

And the fight. Needless to say, it was incredible. Every line out of Luba's mouth was a banger, every attack and action he did had me losing my mind. What I loved the most was how Cellbit, Luba, and João worked together to make Joui Jouki the scariest motherfucker ever. Both João and Luba can be pretty descriptive with their character's actions, so they complimented each other perfectly. João's RP skills really shone here, playing into the choices that Joui made and making it clear how affected Gal was by this fight. If you've got the guy who revels in pain fleeing from the fight, you know it's serious. When Joui cut off Gal's arm and Luba apologized to João ("sorry, friend") João just smiled, nodded, and respected it. God that is. PEAK RP right there. Genuine appreciation for other players' decisions, even if it's at the expense of your own character.

And actually---who says it's an expense? Gal has clearly been shaken up by this fight. Like João said, he's in shock. He lost his arm, the Escriptas are being slaughtered all around him, and Kian has seemingly abandoned him. There's plenty for João to work with here. I'm excited to see what he does with Gal, now that Gal's façade has finally cracked.

A final note about Joui... He really has changed, hasn't he? Yes, the anger is his. As I said, it's been brewing since OPD, but here, he is just out of control. No more of that self-discipline. He doesn't care anymore. He's angry. His hatred is beyond words. He has nothing but fury living inside him. Maybe that really is all he has left. I love the detail that his sword now heals people, but heals them wrong: a painful, twisted scar, leaving the flesh "rotten." That's what Joui kind of feels like now. A scar that healed wrong. A man restored but twisted by his pain and anger. And he will kill them all, one by one.

[FOLLOWING CONSTAINS SPOILERS FOR QUARANTENA]

And to finish it off: Joui tearing Hanna apart, limb from limb, furious, not reveling in it but dead-set on making her suffer just as he has before finally, finally killing her. Not really Nidere-core (Nidere definitely reveled in it fhdsk) but it is in my heart. Ouppy <3

[wizardsix]

ok... so I have finally finished veilguard after about 90 painful hours (two playthroughs). im not gonna write an actual review about all of my detailed thoughts bc it'll actually take days, this is just to at least get my general thoughts out and see if anyone else feels the same or if ive actually lost it.

overall it is the weakest dragon age game story-wise, and I'd give it a nice lukewarm 4/10.

(i wrote this post right after I finished the game on the weekend so maybe I sound a bit harsh, I tried to edit it to be more reasonable lol but I didn't really want to delete this since I do still stand by a lot of this)

I really tried to go in with an open mind, bc I always want to experience media in full before making any kind of judgement, but about a few hours in I had this horrible feeling that once again this was another soulless, rushed game, and I still don't feel any different after finishing the game.

what stuck out to me was that there's no sense of urgency despite what the plot is, serious topics are not treated with care as the writing overall is shallow, and the gods as well as any other enemy you encounter are just cartoon villains (and apparently the lore retconning, but I'm not well-versed enough to dissect that so I won't).

I can't take this plot seriously when it feels so disjointed and forced and lazy. and I see no point in caring about anything when choices literally don't matter. no say in who you recruit, no say in the relationships with them and they have almost no awareness of rook, definitely doesn't matter if you have allies or not bc they show up anyway, and only four companions are locked into unavoidable decisions where one of them bites the dust no matter what (which is strange bc why are harding and davrin forced to die no matter if they're at hero status while bellara and neve can literally survive blight if they're at hero status), so it's impossible to try to strategize for better (or worse) outcomes with all the people you've gathered when there's only one right answer that the game pretty much tells you instead of letting you think for yourself (and side note this game does an incredible amount of hand holding). the game actively tries to trick you into thinking your choices matter with the onscreen notifications, but nothing matters bc the devs clearly had only one story in mind and for some reason lied that it had "complex choices".

also rook in general wasn't interesting as a protagonist bc they were written to be perfect. they always know what to say and are so supportive of everyone. they never struggle with anything. not even with leadership beyond "man leading a team is hard :/" but it doesn't actually show how hard it is by having actual volatile conflict between the companions* or showing how their plans sometimes fail. which, if we actually had choices that mattered, would have helped develop that struggle. also? what's with everyone being so friendly? I'm not gonna get into that but everyone is so eerily nice and it's been said a lot but yeah, the world is extremely sanitized and devoid of any real conflict aside from the gods I guess.

*(like off the top of my head cassandra fighting with varric and accusing him of not being on their side or how the inquisitor can literally punch dorian and solas if approval is low enough or fenris and anders bordering on killing each other is not the same as lucanis and davrin distrusting each other or people being uncomfortable with emmrich's necromancy. it just scratches the surface of conflict and never goes anywhere)

and let me say real quick again, there's nothing wrong if they wanted to make a more rigid story about being a hero. it's been done a million times and it can be executed well, but if you do that you need to make sure you 1) don't lie to people and 2) actually flesh out your (especially main) characters and plot to give people a reason to care. look at dragon age 2. hawke is a fixed protagonist with their own life front and center. they ultimately only have two choices (siding with mages or templars), but it works bc the game took time to build up the conflict straight from act 1 so by the time chaos happens in act 2 and 3 you understand why bc it's Been brewing the whole time. it just makes sense. the villains as well have sound reasons and feel real instead of being evil just bc. the story is more grounded, yet you have choices. you decide if hawke ends up alone or not. you decide how they approach situations with force or diplomacy. there's none of that in veilguard. a game that supposedly took 10 years to make. when dragon age 2 took almost 16 months (yes I know da2 also has problems like the fact that the templars are always proven right but this isn't the place to dissect that).

I want to be fair though and I do want to restate what I enjoyed about the game. the cc (though would it kill them to have more variety in face textures like age and body types beyond average.. also no colour wheel... especially since they claimed their cc was so good), the map progression/visuals/exploration (how certain places become more blighted overtime), the factions (though I feel there should have been more content for your faction, and helping them or not should have mattered more), the combat (did not feel like a slog, pretty fun and mindless), the companions (bellara, davrin, emmrich, harding, and lucanis had solid personalities and stories despite my complaints. neve was not memorable and I just feel sad for taash's bad writing), certain parts of the story were good, the intro and the point of no return sequences were solid, and the ending didn't feel rushed or boring compared to inquisition. and yes, I do appreciate that rook can be trans, I just think a little more subtly and care would've been nice.

another thing I did like and predicted was that varric died at the beginning of veilguard, and for a second I actually enjoyed that because i thought we were finally (a bit too late tho) getting some depth to rook and their own struggles of accepting his death and carrying this weight without him. and while I do think maybe they should've taken more time to establish the mentor/mentee relationship so we really feel rooks regret, I still think it was at least the right direction where in their grief they still see him, giving advice and narrating their journey.....but then it turned out to just be solas manipulating them the whole time, immediately destroying any emotional weight this reveal had.

whenever bioware has good ideas they shoot themselves in the foot and make it about solas. it's like nothing in the world exists without solas being involved somehow, and that is just incredibly boring and uninspired to me. not to mention solas just being an insufferable ass the whole time, which is fine, but it's not even in a compelling way like he used to be. he became so ugly by the end and the fact that the devs consider redeeming him the "good ending" and not giving him what he deserves is very telling and once again shows their own bias is king over good storytelling (solas' feelings should not come into play here, whether you/your companions live or die should determine good/bad ending since solas is trapped no matter what, only difference is who is trapped with him. idk but I personally think different endings actually means different outcomes). i will not go into the bs of the secret post credit scene, bc frankly I'm fed up with bioware's shitty writing and I won't be playing their next world ending space aliens game (unless they miraculously pull a good story out of their ass but lbr).

overall the bad outweighs the good for me. it's fun to play as a game, it's a decent fantasy game, but the story just doesn't do anything for me. sometimes I wonder if dreadwolf was a completely different game and was scrapped for veilguard last minute. maybe this was yet another inevitable industry fuck up and maybe there was a good story planned at one point. idk. all I know is bioware lied. respect and credit to the poor devs and writers who actually cared and to those who were kicked from the project, but in the end bioware promised too much and delivered too little.

[jacks-little-jacky]

Heyheyhey!! Anon here again! Do you mind writing a scenario in which Jack’s crush absolutely adores adopting children (I’m not talking about one or two, I’m talking about an ’army’ of them, like, 6/7) ?

Like, those kids are incredibly fond of him to the point that in the future they accidentally call him ’dad’? (maybe you can end it with some smut, with Jack offering them another sibling 👀) (IM SO SORRY, THIS HAS BEEN ON MY MIND FOR SO LONG AND I’VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK FOR A LONG TIME, BUT IVE NEVER MET ANOTHER JACK SIMP BEFORE— I HOPE I CAN REQUEST AGAIN SOON, I ADORE YOUR WRITING!!❤️❤️❤️)

The Littlest Army | Jack x Reader

Okay so I ADORE Dilf! Jack. Sorry that this took so long but I'm getting back into this blog and I hope the quality is to your taste. Bon appetit.

Warnings: inappropriate use of children (Jack throws them), NSFW Under The Cut! Everything above is pretty SFW, breeding kink/unprotected yee-hawing, mention of pregnancy, I tried something new so idk

Jack has never seen this coming.

Never, in all of his 28 years of living has he seen himself as a father figure. Sure, leading a Squad that accepted 15-year-olds sometimes made him somewhat of a caregiver. More or less.

He didn't see himself as the domestic type. He could handle the young recruits, they were his subordinates after all. Of course, they were teenagers, but there still was this distance. Professionalism, as little as Jack would bring it with him at least.

Jack wasn't one to settle down, have children and drink tea in his little cottage by a lake. No, that wasn't him. Or so he thought.

Until he met you.

A pretty thing, how couldn't he notice you? Always smiling, waving at the Magic Knight with the two little bundles next to her knees.

He never meant for this to happen.

But the preparations for the Royal Knights Exam came up and everbody was oh so busy. So busy that the Captains would come from their high horses and take over the boring patrols and mediocore missions so their knights would have further time to train.

And Jack always was a working bee, anything that was preventing him from sitting hours in his office going through reports and filing documents about broken equipment and whatnot was good to him.

Really, with the way he was patrolling almost each day the cities around his base location he shouldn't be suprised he picked up on people there. He wasn't unobservant, he just didn't care most of the time.

But after almost two weeks he knew the names of the baker and the lady who spilled coffee in a rush on him. He knew the names of some children he saw running around, learning them from their mothers yelling after them. The names of some of the nuns taking care of the orphans too.

And of course, you. Sweet, temptating, captivating you.

Always running around, helping the nuns. Always running around, bumping into him. Always running around, never leaving his mind.

It was unfair. A sick kind of joke the universe played on him. But how was he supposed to resist? Resist you and your kind smile, your little giggle, and the way you'd bat your eyelashes at him. The way you silently pleaded for him to take the cookies the kids made for him.

And he did, lowering on his knees slowly while staring into your eyes. His golden eyes only leaving your captivating eyes when his knees hit the ground and he redirected his gaze to the actual kids around him.

They were loud, tugging at his robe and shoving the cookies almost into his face. He cracked a little smile, before giving in and laughing. Ruffling their hair and taking cookies, biting a chunk off and praising how good they were.

Asking if they had any help. Which of course, he knew they had. His eyes darted to you when they started laughing, telling him about how you helped with the baking but they did all the decorating themselves! Such proud little bundles of joy, cheering your name.

It made something in his stomach churn.

The way your proud eyes sparkled, the way your plump lips spread into this stupid smile that had his heart aching. How you watched over them, even with him near.

At first, he didn't think he'd ever have a chance. With how much you helped the orphanage, Jack's working theory had been that you were in training maybe. Although you didn't wear the robes, the way you'd almost always be there when he passed on his patrol and the way the children often referred to you as a big sister or mother figure was evidence for itself.

He often wondered, about the two bundles that would always be around you. If those children were just especially attached to you, or if they even were your own in a way.

And of course, you two got talking. After all the kids were amazed to not only see a Magic Knight but a Captain regularly patroling their place! And you were just making sure, that he wasn't a danger to them, or that they didn't bother him too much.

Just making sure. Definitely not being interested in the tall commoner yourself. No, that would be ridiculous.

It didn't take long for Jack to figure out that you were not really one of the sisters who worked at the orphanage. But your two adoptive kids were close friends with some of the kids there. So they'd get to see their friends and hang out and you did your part in the community. You just liked kids, helping them and being around them.

Something Jack, oddly enough, has come to appreciate more and more with every visit he paid you guys.

He soon found out that you didn't only have two kids, but four. A ridiculous amount if you ask him, not that you do but he tells you that anyway.

Oddly enough, with his attitude, you would've thought he'd start backing off. The subtle flirtatious, the little touches that lingered a bit too long. A single mother wasn't held in the highest regard in the Clover Kingdom. You didn't care, of course, you chose to take in these kids and were planning for more.

But Jack did not back off. In fact, he slowly started seeing why you liked these brats so much. Even if it was just because they never failed to make you smile in a way that nothing else could at first. Still, he worked himself up with these children. From the little awkward encounters at first, he worked his relationship with these kids up to ruffling their hair and occasionally carrying them, throwing them up, and catching them. You had to reprimand him multiple times that it was dangerous. What if a little one slipped from his hands and got hurt?

It didn't stop it though, even if he wanted to listen he couldn't with the way he got begged by some of these brats. The little ones loved sitting on the shoulders of the tall man, he just... wasn't refusing it. And of course, you did not miss the way his eyes hushed to catch yours each time, silently seeking approval.

Neither of you could really grasp it.

Jack felt a pull towards you and he couldn't resist it. And although you denied it, you could feel it too. The way your eyes would meet although you weren't even talking with each other, the way you'd know when he'd come by each day. How he'd make the kids laugh and amaze them, acting, unlike his brash and brutal reputation with the little ones in your care. The way his tongue would brush against his lips whenever he heard your little laugh.

You were irresistible to him. And so was he. It was like there was an invisible string connecting you two. It wasn't visible, hell it wasn't reasonable, but there was this clear pull toward each other and you could only try to resist for so long.

So long. Until it snapped.

Lips crashed into yours, you weren't even sure how or why it was happening but you found yourself in the arms of one of the most powerful men of the Clover kingdom.

The children's laughs and yells from playing some game faded into the background as your fingers dug into the fabric of his robe. His big hand was caressing your cheek and fingers tangling into your hair. A gasp crawled out your throat at the sensation of his teeth nibbing onto your lower lip.

It was warm. So warm.

Your breath was heavy after your lips separated, feeling like he had just kissed the air right out of you. A smile spread onto his lips, that wide, proud smile that just promised trouble.

"I figured...", his raspy voice spoke up. His face was still so very close to yours that you could feel his warm breath hitting your lips. "What?", you asked. The smile creeping on your face couldn't be more obvious. "Figured you might... need... some help with your kids?" Jack suggested in a hushed voice.

"I'm quite alright with them.", you stated amused. Jack's teeth bit down onto his lower lip ever so slightly, a gesture you probably would've missed if not for the close proximity. "But... I might need help when I get the next ones....", You whispered.

Jack's eyes visibly lightened up, the golden pool of honey gazing down at you. "Even more?" He asked, voice quiet with disbelief. "Of course. I still have plently room in my heart. And at home. I want a big family, so beware...", you whispered.

Your heart was pleading he'd be fine with it. Knowing his reputation, he probably wouldn't be. But Jack had surprised you more than once already and you'd hope he would do it again now too. You wanted him, but you still had your priorities. Your family, and the wish to extend it was more important than a little crush.

Even if it didn't feel like just a little crush.

You could hear the tall man gulp quietly before placing his lips upon you again, the kiss was shorter, softer. Your lips responded softly to his, mind easing a little that he wasn't running.

"I might have to start numbering them if you get any more..." Jack joked quietly against your lips and it actually made you laugh. He wasn't against it, he just found the amount of children one woman would adopt ridiculous. Like everybody else, just that he was offering to try it. With you. All of you, even the family.

Jack was a ridiculously good partner. The reputation he had was nothing like how you knew him. Yes, he was a little crazy, a brute but he also was the best guy you've dated.

He cared for the kids, to the point the name "Dad" slipped more than once before it really was official. When it was, your children were almost happier than you. They liked the captain, loved how he'd take them on little trips whenever you needed a pause. Or the way he made their mother laugh so cheerfully at his jokes, although they didn't always understand them. They will, when they're older, you tell them.

After you and Jack became official you adopted two more children and they were the first ones to meet Jack as their Dad, not as the awkward man stumbling out of their home half-dressed some mornings. He was a bit scared at first, own children, adopting them with you and being their legal guardian from day one felt... odd.

He never saw himself there. He thought it just was not for him. Until you.

Jack even suggested tying the knot before you, if you'd like that. He loved your kids like they were his own. Hell, they were his now. And if he rushed away after a meeting just to pick them up from visiting friends or anything he was used to the stares. After all, the magic knight captains weren't exactly unknown.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children weren't home, it was a rare day that the house was so quiet. Your little bundles of joy were at a birthday party with some of the children which gave you the rarer occasion of relaxing with your boyfriend.

Boyfriend. It still gave you a tingling feeling to think about it. How far you've come with him. It did not feel like you two had been together for that long, but you have.

A while back he was just a stranger doing his patrol and now he was the legal father of two from your six children. And that was only legal, the others still called him Dad. You never had thought this could happen, that you'd end up in bed with Jack the Ripper. Your back pressed against his chest as you cuddled up on the bed, spooning.

His fingertips ghosted over your hips. You couldn't remember a moment in the last weeks when you could just lie down with him and relax without anything interrupting you. As you closed your eyes you decided just to relax and ease into the touch, you deserved it. The gentle touches, the way his hand was brushing over your side and stomach.

His slender fingers traced your figure so delicately but with just enough pressure to spread pleasurable tingles across your body. The way he increased the pressure, kneading your flesh softly before his fingers continued his mindless search, fingernails sending goosebumps all across. It was causing your mouth to let loose the softest moans. His hands were warm and big, and he knew just where you liked to be touched, how you liked to be touched.

One of his hands crept up your stomach, cupping one of your tits and gently kneading there too. The sensation causes you to buck your hips back into his, your ass rubbing against his growing erection. The deep rasp of a low laugh was ringing in your eyes. His lips nipped and kissed at the nape of your neck. His lips turned up into a cocky smile as he heard the little muffled sound spilling from your lips.

Jack was slow, taking his time. No matter how often his hands would explore your body, he'd never tire of it. Although there was a thought stuck in his head. How you'd look with his child, how happy he could make you.

He bit his lip a little, trying to imagine how it would be for the little ones to get another playmate. And how you'd look, plump tits full of milk and your body getting more plush and soft. How happy he could make you, picking out names and going shopping. Having a little girl or boy that looked just like you running around the house.

And of course, he thought about how it would be to make this theoretical child. Definitely one of his favorite parts of this idea.

How your tight cunt would squeeze around his cock for everything he got. How it would be to go in raw and feel your sweet walls engulf him, squeeze and milk him. How you'd moan for him, how nice and deep he'd fuck you. Nice and deep, he would make sure it takes.

You turned your head to face Jack, your lips puckered a little and Jack did not waste a second to give you the kiss you silently asked for. His breath was heavy, his nose nuzzling against yours as he was claiming your lips with eager. It was one of the things you loved about Jack, his eagerness, his need to please. He wasn't a man who half-assed.

"I have an idea...", he mumbled with his mouth close to your ear. "Oh?" Your voice was a little amused as your hand reached back into his hair. Another sloppy kiss was shared before Jack laughed against your lips huskily.

"How about another brat, keke?" His question was voiced with lust, tone sultry making it oh too obvious what his intentions were even before he ground his hard cock against your ass. Your lips turned upwards in a little grin as you pressed back against him. "Oh?", you asked before laughing a little, "I thought I was insane for building a little army, as you have put it?"

"Let's make it a strong one." He whispered to your ear, his hands wandering to places they wouldn't belong in any more public space. "I promise I'll give you a strong addition.", he purred in your ears. A wide smile crept over his face as your sweet moans reached his ears. His fingers shamelessly toying with your clit. "I bet your brats would like another sibling."

"They probably would...", you agreed between heavy breaths. Your lips crashed against his again, your kisses eager and sloppy. Jack couldn't help but grin against your lips at the way you moaned into the kiss, his fingers wandering lower. Your slick collecting on his fingers before he pushed inside.

Jack's fingers were long, strong, and precise. His ring and middle finger worked on easing in and out your tight entrance, curling them to reach just the spot that had you bucking back into him. His thumb was still drawing sloppy and lazy circles on your clit while his mouth nipped and kissed on your throat, leaving little hickeys and marks.

He was impatient, hungry for you. His soft pace soon turned sloppy and fast, his cock rubbing against your ass through his pants. He responded to your moans with his own, your kisses getting messy, lips smashing against each other urgently.

His cock was throbbing in his pants, straining against the fabric and begging to be freed. To be engulfed in your sweet, slick walls instead of this fabric. His tongue was pushing out his mouth to get a taste of you, sweet, slutty moans that matched yours rolling off his lips.

"Can't wait to fuck you." He whispered shakingly, the pace of his fingers was still going, it was messy but unrelenting. "Then don't," you moaned against his lips.

In an instant, his hands retracted from your pants. His tall body crept over you, not even a minute after your clothes were discarded on the floor while Jack was making quick work of his own clothes. It was hot, and your vision was blurry, not like Jack felt any different from you. His vision was blurry and the only real point of focus was you.

Naked, spread out for him. Just for him. Ready to be devoured.

There was this insatiable hunger Jack felt every time he looked at you. It wasn't that bad at first, but it was there. But once you let him have a taste there was no turning back, he was hooked. Hooked on your body, your love. Hooked on you.

He grabbed your hips, pulling you closer with ease to align his length with your entrance. A gentleman, he teased you a little first, making sure his cock was covered in your juices and you were whining with your hole clenching around nothing for him. Such a gentleman, sinking his cock in slowly, making you feel every inch.

"Take me like a good girl, yeah?" He cooed at you, his lips turned upwards in a huge smile when he saw your face. You were so cute, red-faced, and heavily breathing. How could he ever resist you?

Your cunt was gripping him tightly, so tightly it was melting parts of his brain. He was only sinking in fully once and he already felt drunk off your pussy. Your sounds the sweetest thing he has ever heard.

He was breathing heavily, slowly sliding out and in, creating a rhythm that made you mewl with pleasure. Jack's eyebrows were furrowed as he tried his best, his very best not to lose his mind with the way your walls were pulsating around him and he could swear it was hypnotic or something. His kisses were sloppy and messy, hot breath coming out in short bursts.

It wasn't long after that the slow work-up did in fact not work for you two. Your sounds were loud enough to alert the neighbors, it was a good thing the kids were out. Jack couldn't control himself with the way he was fucking bullying his cock into your soaking cunt, loud squelching noises accompanied by the sound of his tight balls smacking against your ass over and over.

Your moans were lewd and loud, spilling into each other's mouths as your kisses were messy and full of tongue. Each thrust, each kiss full of lust, of desire for one another. The Captain rocked his hips into yours over and over again, his leaking cock nuzzling against all those places that had you in ecstasy. The heels of your feet digging into his lower back, trying to push him deeper.

It was almost animalistic, the way your bodies moved. His thrusts were sharp, hard, and fast. The sounds of your moans vibrating from the walls, the creaking of the bed, and the headboard slamming against the wall mixed with your voices creating a symphony of sin.

"I'm close, so close", you whined against his lips. Jack's grip on your hip tightened, his rhythm changing just a little to adjust his hip to slam in deeper, harder. Your fingers scratching his back and tugging at his hair was causing him to moan loader, to fuck into you more eagerly. His eyes were darting between your pleasure-struck face, a sight for the gods if he could say so himself, and the creamy white ring that built on the base of his cock.

"Good girl, such a pretty thing.", he praised between shaky breaths. A big grin plastered across his face, and one of his hands came up to cup your cheek. He made sure you'd look at him, basking in the sight of how flustered you got. Chest heaving and teary-eyed, a sight he'd never forget. His thrusts got harsher, forcing you to look at him while your face twisted and contorted in pleasure. The coil in your stomach getting tighter and tighter, until it couldn't hold.

A loud moan escaped your lips, thighs shaking violently as your pussy clenches tightly around his length. The sensation was too much for the tall man, his moans becoming slightly more high-pitched as his hips stuttered, rhythm losing as he fucked himself into you more desperately. You were gripping him so tightly, your cum running along his length and dribbling down your legs and he couldn't compose himself. His hips rutted and ground into you with carnal need, chasing his high until he was spurting hot, sticky streaks of his release.

The tall man was still grinding his hip against yours after a few seconds, letting his orgasm wash over him before his arms gave out. He let himself fall on you, not his entire weight at once but he still wanted to stay there, on top of you, close to you, inside of you.

"Bloody hell", he laughed quietly, breath heavy as he peppered lazy kisses to your cheek. "You think it'll take?", he asked after a moment, rolling over and wrapping his arms around you. "I think it's a little early to say", you replied amused. Jack nodded understandingly.

"Then we should just keep repeating this until we have confirmation."

[talkintrashcann]

Campout - Xavier Thorpe [pt.3]

summary: the friendgroup is going on a camping trip and miscalculated how many tents they needed, so now you have to share a tent with your least favorite person.

warnings: slow burn, enemies to lovers, multiple parts, fear of drowning

word count: 1.8k

a/n: im terribly sorry for disappearing for about a month, i didn't mean to be gone for so long. my life has been put upside down for the past couple weeks and ive had to figure some things out about my future so writing wasn't my priority at that time, but ive got it all figured out now (for the most part) so im not planning on taking so long for the next chapter. i promise the story is actually getting somewhere this time !

[part 1] [part 2] [part 4] . . .

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Acting like nothing had happened earlier today, everyone was sitting by the campfire munching on their food while they all ignored the obvious tension between you and Xavier. They were used to situations like these by now, but for some reason it felt as if something in the two of you changed. You used to give each other angry glares and held those for hours, whereas now you can't even make eye contact for longer than 5 seconds. The tension was slowly shifting throughout this trip, and there was no way of stopping it.

"Hey Enid, what have you got in store for us tomorrow? Please tell me it's not as exhausting as today's hike.", Kent caught everyone's attention.

"That's a surprise. I don't want anyone to complain about the plans I made again, so you'll just have to wait and see. But I'm sure you will all love it, we're gonna have so much fun !", the girl that couldn't hide her excitement said. It was obvious that the group was a bit skeptical about Enid's interpretation of fun, but hopefully this time she's right. What's the worst that could happen?

For the rest of the night everyone was singing along to some campfire songs while Divina was playing the guitar, for just a moment you forgot everything that happened today. You loved moments like these, just you and your friends enjoying each other's company while singing riptide at the top of your lungs. This was the exact reason why you said yes to this trip, these were times you wished would never be over. But all nice things must come to an end, and soon everyone disappeared to their tent once more. Surprisingly enough your tent was quiet for once, neither of you wanting to speak to another. Maybe because you were simply too tired from today's exhausting hike, falling asleep as soon as your head hit your pillow.

Waking up pretty early the next day, you realized you were the first one to be awake. You opened your eyes and turned around to find Xavier laying not so far away from you, a strand of his long hair covering his eyes. He looked quite handsome like this, sadly enough he wasn't always this quiet and peaceful. Remembering what he did to you yesterday, you got up with a smirk as you thought about your great plan to get him back somehow. Sneaking out of the tent as quiet as possible, you grabbed a cup that someone left near the campfire and filled it with lake water. Already giggling to yourself as you walked back to the tent with the cup in your hands, careful not to spill too much water from it already. And just like that, you threw the cup with water over Xavier's head.

Waking up confused and in shock, he looked over to see you sitting next to him dying of laughter. He on the other hand was definitely not laughing with the little prank you pulled on him, instead he pushed himself up and dragged you out of your shared tent. Picking you up in his arms and carrying you towards the lake, you quickly realized what his intentions were.

"You're gonna regret doing that to me.", he said with his deep morning voice. You'd never admit this but you'd be lying if you said he didn't sound a little hot with that voice, or maybe more than just a little.

"Nonono, please don't Xavier.", you tried to convince him not to drop you in the lake.

"Please, I'm begging you.", desperately trying to change his mind you tightly held on to him as you were getting closer and closer to the lake. The word begging caught Xavier's attention, surprised to hear how much you're willing to do just so he wouldn't drop you into the shallow water. Of course he noticed your tight grip on him too, figuring this was more than just something you didn't like. He could even see tears forming in the corner of your eyes, making him feel bad all of a sudden. Seeing you annoyed was like music to his ears, but realizing he caused you actual suffering felt so wrong. He never thought hearing you beg would feel everything but satisfying. Right before you reached the lake, he slowly put you back down on your feet without saying a word. As soon as your toes hit the ground you ran back to the tent and stayed there until it was time to leave for Enid's big surprise.

After a long and not so calming drive you finally reached today's destination, Kent hurrying out of the car the second you made it. His stomach was a little sensitive and all the turns in the mountains didn't help with that at all, but Enid's surprise definitely made him feel better.

"Okay, it's time to reveal the big surprise... We're going kayaking!!", Enid yelled out and the others jumped up with pure excitement. You on the other hand felt your stomach drop as you thought about how terribly wrong this could go. You were terrified of drowning and would much rather avoid anything that could lead to that, so you weren't exactly fond of the thought to go kayaking. But you never told anyone about this, not even your best friend, and you most definitely didn't want anyone to find out about this. You remembered how Enid said she didn't want to hear any complaints about today, so you tried to hide your anxiety building up to not ruin everyone's day but it felt as if your heart was beating outside of your chest.

"All the kayaks are for two people so let's pair up with our tent buddy and get ready to race!"

"We are so winning this.", Ajax spoke while showing everyone his winner pose.

"You don't have a chance against us, Serpent.", Bianca said as she leaned against Kent.

You didn't pay any mind to what the others were saying, too busy trying to process the whole facing-your-biggest-fear thing. While the group was so focused on fighting over who's going to win this race, Xavier was looking at you this entire time. He noticed how anxious you looked and couldn't help but think back about what happened at camp earlier, aware that you're trying to hide something from him. Not wanting to bother you with everyone else still being here, he decided to leave you alone for a bit until the others were gone.

Before you even know, all your friends had left off in their kayak and it was now your turn. Shaking on your legs as you took a couple of deep breaths before stepping into the kayak, Xavier following soon after. He wanted to win this race, hell he wants to win at everything. But he had a feeling he wasn't winning this time, at least not in the way he had hoped for.

"If we want to win this race we better start paddling now."

Xavier was really pushing you over the edge right now. All you needed was a couple more seconds to mentally prepare yourself, but he couldn't even give you that. Ignoring his existence completely, you once again tried to calm down. But that calmness didn't stay for long.

"Can you start moving already? I don't wanna get behind on the others and I'm definitely not planning on doing all the work by myself."

His complaining only fueled your anxiety more and more, ready to burst any moment now. You couldn't help but panic, needing to get out of this kayak and off the water this instant. Unfortunately your kayak had already drifted off a little too far from the shore for you to just get up and walk back. Feeling hopeless and scared, you couldn't help but cry as you were looking for a way to get out of the unsteady kayak.

Xavier froze in his spot as he saw you cry in front of him, he didn't understand what was happening. He might not know what you're so afraid of, but what he was certain of was that your fear was very much real and you needed to calm down asap. Except, you weren't calming down at all. The tears kept rolling down your cheeks, your breathing was unstable and you were shaking so much that the kayak started shaking too. You looked at your reflection in the water, trying to see how deep it was but your tears blurred your vision.

Something in his mind clicked, he needed to get you back to shore immediately. So without any hesitation he jumped out of the kayak, the water coming up to his chest, and picked you up in his arms. He had you cling to him as he carried you over the water, arms tightly wrapped around his neck and nails slightly digging into his skin out of pure fear. It didn't bother him though, he'll allow you to do so if it gives you a more secure feeling.

He didn't pay any mind to the salesman desperately yelling at him to bring back his kayak, to be completely honest he couldn't give two fucks at the moment. All he cared about was you. Yes, you. He couldn't explain why he felt the need to help you for once, he didn't even understand it himself in all honesty. And it sure as hell didn't make any sense to you either, the guy that tries to make your life a living hell suddenly starts being nice to you. There must be something hidden behind his caring behavior, he'll probably strike you with another rude action later. You were sure of it.

Wriggling yourself out of his grip as soon as he got out of the water, you turned around and walked away to hide yourself from everything else behind a large tree. You needed a moment to calm down after what just happened, a moment to just let the tears stream down your face in peace. You felt embarrassed that he out of all people had to witness that, you wished he'd never seen you that way. Certain he'd never let you forget this, he'd bug you with this till the end of time. Or that's what you assumed he'd do. But in reality, Xavier wasn't planning on telling a soul about this. Not because people would find out he did have a heart, but because this wasn't a pleasant experience for you.

It seemed like things had changed in Xavier's dark heart, could it be that he had grown a soft spot for you? Or was this just another trick of him to get your trust, just so he could break it later?

To be continued . . .

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Taglist !¡ @wintrr13 @hayleematyas16 @deepblueoceanwaters @purexfuego @loriasposts @princekooks @hope92100 @just-amess @sweaterxav @pookiewookies @lcvecstiel @reading-writing-737 @ahintofvanilla @xavierthropepartner @poison-ivy-737 @rumoured-whispers @honethatty12 @pippipsquirtsquirt @araxw

if you would like to be added to the taglist for campout please let me know in the comments or through asks/dms!

[grape-icing]

hi!! could you write a short story thingy between cg! roxy and regressor! dave? platonic ofc!!! i think roxy would act as a mother figure to dave!!! maybe dave comes over to roxys for a playdate for the first time, and he’s a little nervous to be so vulnerable around someone for the first time!! idk, you can take whatever creative liberty you want with it!! :)) thank you!!

HAIIII IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG!!! IVE HAD TESTING ALL WEEK AND I HAD NO IDEAS!!! SORRY IN ADVANCE IF ITS BAD!!! I'll also post this on ao3 :33333

Actual story!!

Dave was pretty nervous about John's doctor's appointment because he knew John would call a babysitter. Which was fine he supposed due to the fact he already told everyone about his regression but he hadn't been watched by anyone else before. Bluh!!! Even the thought of it made him anxious. Dave curled up next to John, filled with worry.

“Something worry bud?” John questioned the sudden movement of the younger boy.

“Uh no” Dave replied which was a lie because he didn't want John to get worried and potentially miss his appointment. Although now that Dave thought about it….

Well never mind, the mystery babysitter was here. Dave really hoped it wasn't someone in his family.

“Oh! That must be her.” John got up and raced towards the door.

“Hiya Roxy!” Dave was doomed, why did it have to be his mom? Sister? thing of all people, well at least it's not Dirk.

“Ok, so he knows where everything is and stuff. Uh, am I missing anything? Oh, his favorite juice is in the fridge. Shoot I'm already late! Okay got to go, bye Dave I love ya!” John quickly left.

“Hai Davey!” Roxy announced. Dave turned away.

“Oh um okay. Do you want to watch a movie or play or….uhm…do something?” Roxy questioned, trying to get him to do anything.

“No,” Dave said quick and bluntly.

“You don't wanna do…anything like at all? Not even a movie?” Roxy walked over and sat right beside him.

“I- uhm sure, I guess,” Dave replied not trying to hurt his mother's feelings. Dave didn't actually know if Roxy considered herself his mother but she didn't mind being called “Mom” so maybe.

“Good!! So whatcha wanna watch honey?” Roxy reached over to grab the remote.

“Uhm I'm not sure, maybe Octonauts? You can pick if you want though.” Dave said in a softer voice than earlier.

“Nah, Octonauts work!” Roxy quickly put the show on and wrapped an arm around Dave, which he wiggled and squirmed his way out of.

After around 20 minutes Roxy suggested they go outside and get some fresh air which Dave very nervously said yes to.

“Need any help getting your shoes on, baby?” Roxy asked while bending down to him.

“no” Dave stated. Roxy saw right through the lie and helped him tie his shoes.

“Uh m-mom,” Dave muttered.

“Hm? What is it pumpkin?” Roxy questioned as she finished trying the younger one's shoes.

“Nothing much. I was just wondering if it was hot outside.” Dave asked while standing up.

“Oh yeah, it's going to be very hot, perfect for playing!” Roxy said cheerfully while grabbing her purse to leave.

“Oh” whined Dave.

“Is something wrong muffin?” Roxy asked due to the tone of his voice. “If you don't want to play that's okay, we can get ice cream if you want!”

“I want um ice cream, please” Dave followed Roxy onto the front steps.

“Alrighty! We can totes do that, I think there's an ice cream place right around here.”

Roxy carefully held his hand the entire walk home, which Dave thought was nice. After about five minutes of walking, they made it to the ice cream parlor.

“Look! We're here!” Roxy bumped Dave on the shoulder to draw his attention.

“Mhm,” Dave quietly followed his mother over to the counter to order their ice creams.

“Okay I'll have one strawberry ice cream and, what do you want Dave?”

“Uhh cookies and cream please.”

After the two got their ice cream they started to walk back home.

“Hey Rox, do ya know um when dad is going to be home?”

“Yeah, he has to run some errands so it might be another hour or two. Don't worry though! Me and you will have loads of fun.” Roxy reassured him that the time would fly by and she'd be out in no time.

“It's okay if you don't want me to stay. I'm not mad I promise.” Roxy gently stoked his hair.

“N-no I don't want you to leave I just don't want you to uhmm never mind.” Dave quickly cut himself off before starting to try and speed-walk home.

“Dave baby slow down. You can tell me anything! I wouldn't say a peep to anybody, not even John!” Dave hit a full stop when she said that.

“Uhm well that was kinda it, I don't want you to go and talk about me to like, I don't know, Rose or Dirk?” Roxy turned to Dave and pulled him into a hug.

“I would never do that, but I can understand why you would think that. Hehe, I talk a bunch so it's reasonable.”

Dave and Roxy stood, embraced in that hug for at least a minute straight before going back to walking again.

Once the two of them returned to the house Roxy decided it would be best just to stay home due to the heat instead of playing outside. Roxy put Dave’s show back on before realizing he was probably still hungry.

“Hey sweet pea, you hungry?” Dave silently nodded. While Roxy went to cook him something, Dave slowly moved over to where he kept all of his little items but started to hesitate, finally, he picked up his bottle.

“Whatcha messing with Dave?” Roxy asked, coming into the room to check on him.

“Uh n-nothing?” Dave squealed out as he quickly shoved what he was holding behind his back.

“Are you sure? Because that didn't seem like nothing?” Roxy questioned as she got closer. “What’s behind your back, Dave?”

“Nothing like I said!” Dave said in an elevated tone, leaning away from her, trying to conceal what was behind him.

“Dude, I need to see what's behind you so I can make sure it’s nothing dangerous.” Roxy pulled his arms away from his back, which was surprisingly easy.

“Pumpkin if you wanted a drink you could have just asked. I'll bring it when I bring your food. I'll be right back!” Roxy placed a small kiss on his forehead and went back to the kitchen.

While Roxy was in the kitchen she quickly filled up his bottle with the apple juice in the fridge, Grabbed his food, and made her way back into the living room. When she got there she handed him the plate.

“Um, thanks” Dave muttered while eating a big spoonful.

“Of course!” Roxy answered.

“Oh, wait! Here’s your bottle, sweetie.” Roxy handed him his cup and sat down beside him. Dave mumbled something inaudible and shoved it where it couldn’t be seen due to him being embarrassed by it. Which obviously confused Roxy.

“You okay little dude? I saw you hiding your drink, any reason for it? if it’s because of me, you don't gotta worry, I don't care whatcha do as long as you’re not getting hurt or making a mess.” Roxy moved closer so she was basically right against Dave’s back, She gave him a small hug from behind. Dave leaned into her warm embrace and cautiously reached for his bottle, looking over at Roxy to make sure she wouldn't judge him or anything like that. Roxy planted a small kiss on his head as he finally started to drink his juice. After around twenty minutes Roxy pulled a blanket over him as soon as she realized he was asleep.

“Hey! I'm back!” John announced, getting cut off by a loud “shhh!!” from Roxy.

[melancholiaenthroned]

ok its been a few hours here r my absolute batman thoughts...

starting off with what immediately stood out: that man is not blond. we have spent weeks either bemoaning or defending blond bruce wayne, only for him to appear, not blond. when was the choice to unblond him made? neither of his parents are blond, perhaps then? he also doesnt appear to have his gay little dog, but he havent seen much of his home life so im still holding out hope.

the first thing i will say that jumped out to me, and something ive already commented on, is how much of a scott snyder batman book this feels like. which it is, but god i missed this feeling. snyder writes batman a bit more lone wolfy than other writers, but with a very well defined ensemble cast when the need arises. snyders alfred is one of the only ones ive ever actually had, like, any opinions or feelings on, and so having him (even a very different version of him) star in the opening issue feels right. speaking of snyders alfred -- julia! julia mention, julia graduation photo! julia:-) seeing alfred call her in one of the first pages was my first sigh of relief like oh were gonna be okay... theyre estranged, which makes sense considering any alfred but especially this one, but i do wonder why/for how long considering alfred does appear to have been at her college graduation, and i assume shes around the same age as bruce.

bruce who, speaking of, is 24 and born in... 2004. setting this comic in 2028 but also! thats fucked up! what do you mean batman is the same age as me? that gives me four years to bulk up and learn how to do. whatever bruce did with that massive gun to make it "non lethal" (comic books....). its very weird to have a gen z batman but also makes sense considering snyder said this book represents more his thoughts on the mindsets of his children rather than his own (as was the case for his original batman run). bruce is an idealistic young person now! with young person friends... also weird to think that in this universe, killer croc, the penguin, two face, and catwoman were probably also born in the 2003-2005 range (they appear to have been childhood friends, i assume they went to the same school and were maybe also at the zoo that day?).

this is disorganized and i dont have a transition into this section but: the main "twist" of the issue, which i was not expecting at all. martha is alive. bruce lost his father, but he never lost his mother. it makes sense why he seems a little more idealistic (or maybe thats just Alfred's pov skewing events), he really does have like. a whole life. he has friends and a mother and a job, hes not a sad boy left alone in a manor. really not much to say about this considering its only the first issue, but im really excited to see where it goes. it does make this batman feel a little like superman in an interesting way. hes a lot more ingrained in the city by working a job that actually touches its core, hes a mamas boy, he (or at least his social circle) is involved enough in local politics to be going to town hall meetings. and of course. his main villain appears to be this weird ultra rich guy...

which leads me to other main snyder-ism of the issue: we gotta get the joker in here, and he is NOT funny. in classic snyder fashion the joker is SERIOUS now. he wears muted colors and never laughs and is a brunette (which could all change when/if he gets dumped in acid).i really wasnt sure if he was gonna do it, after all snyder has already pretty extensively covered the joker in his old run, and while i think hes literally the best joker writer ever, i wasnt sure if hed been interested in tackling the character in what is essentially a new batman origin. but here he is! and the tables are turned -- bruce is friends with all the jokers old compatriots, and the joker is alone and insanely rich. i honestly really have no idea what to expect from this plot going forward, obviously the current focus is black mask and his gang, but its clear the joker is going to have some part to play. im excited about it, im not one of the people who dislikes joker stories on principle and i was really hoping for snyder to introduce him into this world so its a win for me if nothing else.

anyway! not sure how to conclude this, but these are my thoughts! its been a while since ive been this excited for a bat run, and this will probably be the only thing keeping me going for a while considering weve got tom taylor on tec now. but god. im just so happy. remember being excited about batman comics? if any of u guys read absolute batman plsss lmk what u thought...

[hpdfag]

oh my god HII!! i’m back from my break and i’d say i’m actually feeling much better :) how have you been??

thank you for sending something! i promise that you don’t even need to but i was really happy you did even then, it just feels so nice that you put some time into it :} also SEVEN HOUR SHIFTS??? what the fuck are they doing to these poor seventeen sixteen year olds at mcdonald’s oh my god. i’m sure it’s incredibly exhausting?? i mean i don’t know how i’d go through that! but i also feel like the idea of getting “adult money” is quite nice knowing most of our lives even 50 was a lot from our parents, so there’s that. make sure to take breaks to balance that because it looks EXHAUSTING?? And with school even then…at least this year will be shorter for you from what you said i mean!! So good luck managing those hours and school. I won’t lie i’m a bit proud? i hope this doesn’t sound condescending but i just feel happy that you’re doing this step and like…growing up. It’s just something incredibly difficult and complex in my eyes and seeing someone i care about actually do it makes me feel pretty happy with all honesty! I hope you understand what i mean :} i might write another message talking about what else you’ve wrote to me that i couldn’t answer earlier! but for now, i hope you’re doing fine even with the seven hour shifts :}

- 🧶

HIHIHI WELCOME BACK its so good to see you again!!! ive been doing alright, trying to manage work and life and school all at the same time is suck a nightmare v_v;; ive ended up kinda neglecting this account which is so sad cuz my feelings havent changed that much!! im just so tired all tha time ...

and of course of course !! id feel bad not leaving something, especially since i had you on my mind! it just made sense to say something, even if it wasnt a lot haha

and YEAG. YEAHHHGGGG. theyve been fuckinf BRUTAL, ive luckily(?) been out sick the past couple of days since i ran out of my antidepressant and your body does not appreciate going cold turkey on an SSRI at all LMAOAOOAOA ... now im just waiting for the manager to get back to me about my schedule for this week since im feeling msrginally better, i could probably finish a shift in my current state with a lot of caffeine, a zofran, and some ibuprofen LOLOL

and it definitely is nice!! most of the money im making im going to be putting in a savings account for college, since my student aid situation is a lot more confusing than i was expecting it to be .. im not entirely sure how our income is going to be calculated? since we get survivorship benefits after my father passed away, and because of the way that program distributes the money, different government programs count it differently, either taking all the money as a whole and counting it as my mom's income or cutting it up into three chunks and counting it as income for each member of my family.

its all so confusing and means i cant reasonably expect to get much help from the fafsa alone, so i need to save up my own money and start applying for scholarships ASAP!! i could go to community college for the first two years, and im even already accepted at the one nearby, but i'd much rather go to the same school for my full bachelors even if it'll be more expensive.. but who knows!! we'll find out eventually.

and don't worry it doesnt sound condescending at all! im really glad you are, ive been changing so much lately and i always worry that it'll alienate the people i care about, especially everyone ive met thru here </3 and it really means a lot to know you're proud of us !!

[broodsys]

venting abt creative woes feel free to ignore <3

it has been really hard for me to post art, both drawing and writing. it's not just about engagement/lack thereof or abt concrit or about anything in particular. i just get so caught up in comparisons and breaking things down and wanting to be objectively "better" at it and idk if i'm even enjoying it anymore.

sometimes i think seriously about stopping? i'd still create but. just for me. idk.

and im having mixed feelings about fandom in general. idk. it's late at night and it's been dark for too many hours and ik that's putting me in A Mood(tm) but it's still been! hard! and i get sad and frustrated and self-conscious all the time

it just feels like im out here putting my ugly shit next to everyone's polished pretty pieces. and ik, ik, two cakes, i've been trying to internalize that, but it's hard right now. i cannot stop thinking about the pretty fics ive read and i cannot stop being so fucking envious of them and it feels gross! like i should just appreciate them? they're lovely, mine doesn't have to and shouldn't be a replica, etc etc, all these things i know intellectually, but... ugh.

and it's extra frustrating bc i know ppl like my stuff, esp my writing. they do! they've said it! ppl who have no cause to lie to me, strangers, etc. but i just can't feel it and im so... envy demon has a fucking hold of me lmao.

might be circling back to the going too fast/pushing myself too hard thing again. but i've just been dealing with the constant undercurrent of severe frustration with everything i attempt. i try to shake it off but idk, if it's this consistent...?

ugh. idk. i've been going back and forth on this for a while. do i push through? do i try to drop my standards? do i just keep all my stuff to myself? unknown.

like, no matter what im finishing my bigfic. for me. but idk. should i even bother posting it? it's not... it's not about engagement. it's about the fact that i feel like the whole thing is just kinda... an embarrassment? like i cannot stop looking at it thru the most critical, least compassionate version of a potential audience and it's fucking with me so bad. when im writing i enjoy it, i think it's cool, i think it's good. but then i post it and after a while im just so embarrassed. i still think it's good! but it's still also embarrassing! i've worked hard for years to learn to trust my audience, to not spoon-feed them every bit of information and then follow it up with a quick confirmation just to make sure they're getting it, but now i feel like i'm being drawn back into that.

i read it. i've reread it a few times, in fact, for pleasure and not for editing. i love it? but im also so embarrassed by it whenever im not like... actively reading it. it's just disheartening.

idk. it's my personal baggage more than anything ig.

anyway im genuinely not asking for my ego to be stroked here or w/e, just- this has been weighing kinda heavily on me for quite a while. it's very frustrating.

[rosenongrata]

solitary solidarity – iv

Summary: A selection of writings that explore the early days of the odd relationship between Doctor Veritas Ratio and Missus Kagome Ikeda.

A/N: so i actually finished this last night, but just posting it now cuz i may have promptly fallen asleep once i was done lol

c.w/s: varies on what part, but i'll make sure to mark each addition with the proper tags in the a/n. OC-insert. c.ws for chapter: im actually not sure how to put this, but implications to abuse ig?? nothing is explicitly mentioned but it's possible to tell shits wrong between Kagome and her husband (also he calls her a whore once). soft Ratio hours (again). Kagome dissociates pretty hard for half of the chapter

w.c: ~1.4k

The two esteemed scholars had been chatting during lunch today – while Dr. Ratio prefers eating by himself in the sweet, sweet privacy of his office; he chose to accommodate Kagome’s wishes to be in the cafeteria instead for today. He knows well that she’s not the most sociable, so her eagerness to be in the populated cafeteria instead of her office strikes him as odd.

At least, that’s what he was thinking prior to a man with a head of black hair and a pair of tired brown eyes showing up – he even has a disgustingly sweet smile plastered on his face while he stands behind her. When the man brushes his fingers along Kagome’s shoulder, she nearly snaps her lacquered wood chopsticks in half.

“Hey, dear,” He says lightly, “I decided to visit you at your office today! It sure is nice here.” He grasps her shoulder tenderly, but that’s what makes Kagome’s skin crawl.

“Good afternoon, Shoto,” Kagome quickly composes herself, the life and color draining from her expression and eyes – Dr. Ratio didn’t expect to see her eyes to somehow grow even more lifeless.

“Ah, so this is…” The doctor’s eyes flick up and down Shoto’s figure, “…your husband.” Dr. Ratio says, his arms firmly crossed – looking unamused as he always does.

Shoto’s smile cracks a little from irritation, but is swiftly repaired within moments.

“This must be your…friend, right?” Shoto asks his lovely wife.

“…Yes, I’m her friend.” Dr. Ratio answers for her – he can see her inattention to her surroundings written all over her features. It’s a half-lie, but he deems it necessary for his plan to get her husband out of here – away from her. The other day with her – when she had punched him in the face – was all he needed to know about this man.

“Anyway,” Shoto turns his attention back onto Kagome, and the doctor swears he can see her curl a little bit away from her husband, “I got you a gift, dear! I’m sure you’ll love it. Here,” He pulls out a thin rectangular black box before opening it, revealing a pair of black gloves, “New gloves!”

“Oh, uhm… Th-thank you, Shoto…” She shakily sets her chopsticks down, staring down at the brand-new gloves before her.

(…He’s love-bombing her. Why am I not surprised…) Dr. Ratio ponders, eyes narrowing at the shorter man.

“C’mon, put them on. They’re very soft!” Shoto pressures.

“But… Shoto, you know that—” Kagome grimaces slightly, refusing to meet her partner’s eyes that grow with impatient anger.

People in the cafeteria begin watching more intently – gossiping amongst themselves. Not even so-called geniuses are immune to the flavorful taste of brewing drama. And then Shoto grabs her wrist, ready to pluck off her old gloves – the ones that have been patched over and over again, sewn back together numerous times over the years.

“Here, I’ll help you!” He chirps, his voice so fake it’s painful – to the doctor, at least.

Dr. Ratio rolls his dichromatic eyes before standing up abruptly – Kagome fully expects him to leave, she wouldn’t blame him for it, either. But, instead, the scholar grabs the other man’s wrist with a near death grip – leaving a burn ache in Shoto.

“You need to leave.” He mutters to the smaller man, glaring down at him, “You’ve wasted enough of everyone’s time.” If there’s one thing Dr. Ratio is – without a doubt – it’s fearless. “Especially Kagome’s.” He grumbles.

“What’s it to you?” Shoto bites back with a nasty grin, but the stronger man can feel him tremble with fear in his grasp.

“To be frank, it’s none of your business – nor is it any of your business to be pestering Kagome, me, and the rest of the Guild.”

“Very funny. Anyway,” Shoto pushes the doctor off with some ease, but only because Dr. Ratio allowed him to – he’s waiting for the husband to make another mistake, “We’re going, Kagome. We have business to attend to…away from these lovely people.” He throws a glaring glance at the opposing man before grabbing Kagome’s arm and roughly tugging her up to her feet.

“…That’s your last mistake, Shoto.” Dr. Ratio huffs, “I can either call security or…you can leave Kagome behind – here in the Guild.”

Weighing his options, Shoto scoffs at him and releases his wife’s now tender arm, “Fine, then. I’ll leave…” His voice lowers to a dark whisper, “She’s a good for nothing whore, anyway.” He glares into her unfocused eyes, “Look at her… She can’t even make a peep – tsk.” He rolls his eyes before departing.

Dr. Ratio says nothing to him, instead wrapping one arm around Kagome’s drooping shoulders as a way of keeping her upright. When he glances at the remaining people in the cafeteria, he notices they’re still talking with each other about Aeons knows what – most likely that little scene, he wagers.

“…Can you hear me, Kagome?” He whispers to her, and she fails to respond – her expression completely despondent and her eyes absent of awareness. “I will take that as a no.” He sighs.

He quickly cleans up her lunch materials, putting her bento box back together before leading her out of the cafeteria – anywhere that’s quiet and isolated will have to do. And he knows the perfect place – his office in the medical quarters.

They walk there, and each time she stumbles on her weakened legs, he catches her without too much thought about it. He assists her the whole way there – regardless of how slow she walks and no matter how many times she stumbles. And if he ends up having to carry her, he’ll do that, too.

Arriving in his office, Dr. Ratio helps Kagome settle down on the sofa in the quaint room before taking a seat at his desk. He swivels his chair in her direction – folding one leg over the other and resting his hands on his raised knee, they intertwine to form an overall scrutinizing posture.

Her eyes flutter shut, covering her lifeless stare that had been glued to the wall moments ago. It takes many minutes of pure silence – including the doctor removing his gaze from her, instead staring at the floor – before she can form words, let alone a single sound.

“Mmh…” She groans, pressing two fingers to her now-aching forehead – he can immediately tell it’s a tension headache that shoots through her skull.

Yet his offer for medication goes unheard for several moments as she rubs her head. When her mind finally processes that someone was speaking to her moments ago, her eyes shoot open and she finally spots him on the other side of the room.

“Did…did you say something?” She inquires; voice broken and weak.

His gaze is firmly on her figure, but not as firm as it often is – it’s softened, keeping his grumpiness low to avoid scaring her and worsening her condition.

“I asked if you would like some medication – for your tension headache, to be precise.” He replies.

“Uhm…” She sways a little in her seat, eyes losing focus again while her hand falls to her lap.

He sighs softly, turning away in his chair and grabbing a small bottle of headache relief medication from a drawer in his desk. He twists open the cap, taking a single pill out, and striding over to her after grabbing a cup of cool water from the water dispenser.

“You should take it,” He hands her the pill by taking her hand and placing it on her open palm, “At the very least, it will ease the inflammation.”

She gives him a small nod before taking the pill with water as instructed. He then rests the little white cup on the coffee table nearby. When he turns to return to his desk, he feels a weak tug at the tail of his clothes.

“Do you need something else?” He inquires as softly as he can as he turns back toward her – he’s well-aware that he sounds far too strict for his own good right now.

“Stay…” She breathes, the words coming from her held together by a thinning thread.

“I was not going to leave you alone. You are in no shape for isolation.” He reassures and takes a seat next to her once she releases his clothes.

“Thank you…” She whispers, her eyes falling shut again.

And without warning, she falls against his broad shoulder – her head resting there limply. He visibly stiffens – back straightening like a board and arms flexing into knots. When he hears sudden soft snores coming from her, he sighs in relief – his body deflating. He stays still for now, eyes scanning her peaceful features before glancing to the floor.

(…That’s that for now, then.) He sighs mentally, (But I know that this is only one facet of her – too much deeply troubles her. She’s not bored and emotionless by nature – no one is.)

[underratedandoverit]

they dont see you but i do (and i love you)

~5k words orangekip (orange cassidy/kip sabian)

whaddup have a secret relationship fic. this got unnecessarily long but who cares its good lol. slight shades of angst and some hurt/comfort, especially closer to the end, but its basically your usual pondering over difficult relationships stuff that you should be used from me by now if you come here often lol. oh also kris is here as ive fallen in love with writing her and i dont even know if im doing her that good LOL kip says fuck too many times. as per usual. other than that theres not really anything to warrant a high rating for it tbh

@midnightpretenders0 @stormbornpirate

on ao3

---------------------------

Laying on the bed, Kip eyed the ceiling opening above him, listening to the quiet sounds around him. It was just another week of this, being stuck in the hotel room, waiting for the next day to roll around so he could get to work. Take care of business there as per usual, get back to the hotel for the night, fly home the next day, and wait anxiously to repeat the whole thing next week.

It was the same thing week in and week out.

But at the same time, he didn’t really mind it in the end, Kip thought as he watched the bathroom door being pushed open, the blond walking out and approaching the bed. Cassidy plopped sitting down to the bed next to him, running a lazy hand through Kip’s brightly colored hair, the Brit sending him a tired smile.

“Long flight?” Cassidy asked, as if he hadn’t just spent like ten minutes making himself presentable after coming in from his own flight. Kip just chuckled at him quietly, scooting a bit closer as he snuggled against Cassidy’s side. He didn’t need to reply to the question, the answer was pretty obvious to both of them.

“Just happy you’re here finally,” he muttered into Cassidy’s side, the blond nodding despite knowing Kip couldn’t see the response from him. He continued to run a hand through his hair, spinning coils of it around his finger as Cassidy stared off into the distance across the room, briefly wondering why Kip hadn’t turned the television on while he had been waiting. They had arrived separately despite sharing a hotel room, like usually, not only because it would have taken one of them a good hour or two or maybe more of waiting for the other’s plane to land.

But also because the newly blossoming relationship was still a secret they were both in mutual agreement trying to kind of hold under the wraps to their coworkers and people around them, in hopes of being able to break the news when the response would have been at least a little bit less turbulent than what it would have been with them coming off from as heated of an on-screen feud as they had had the past couple of months.

Honestly at least to Cassidy it wouldn’t have been a huge surprise if some people had already started to put the pieces together, even if they had been openly sworn enemies up to just a few weeks ago. While they didn’t spend time together publicly, it was probably very obvious they were both hiding something from their own friend groups. Cassidy sure as hell knew Chuck and Trent had been asking him questions why he always disappeared so fast after the shows and never flew in early anymore for fun outings the nights before and so forth, and he always had to come up with some excuses like just wanting to spend some more time at home or the convenience of late hour flights. Kip had very similar stories to tell, and while they didn’t really have many mutual friends, surely someone at this point had started to think things. Like Cassidy had seen the way both Kris and Danhausen looked at him when he was talking about all of this.

“Clementine? Are you listening?”

Cassidy snapped out of his thoughts, looking down at the questioning look from Kip as the other man gently poked him on the thigh to gather his attention again. Cassidy shook his head a little, letting out a sigh. “Sorry. What’s up?”

“I was just thinking,” Kip started, pushing himself up into a sitting position next to him, leaning his back against the backboard of the bed. “Since I’m going to visit home next week. Why don’t you come with me? We can have a little getaway away from work together.”

Cassidy’s brows furrowed a bit as he processed the rather out of character proposal from Kip. He had been talking about going back to the UK to visit for a while now, but this was the first time he had directly made a comment about them possibly taking on this trip together, and something about him so randomly bringing this up now just felt very odd to Cassidy.

“I don’t know if I can get a whole week off.”

Kip pouted at him a little, knowing full well that wasn’t the only reason he was hesitant to immediately agree to his little proposal. “You’ve been working almost every single week for almost a year now. You can have a little time off, I’m sure. It would just be really nice to have some company.”

“Isn’t there anyone else you could ask?” Kip rolled his eyes, already knowing that Cassidy was going to try to pull as many excuses as possible to avoid being dragged along to this. “It would raise a lot of questions if we both flew to the UK at the same time when there’s nothing going on over there that we need to promote or appear in. Sharing a flight, sharing the time, sharing--”

“Yeah, okay, I get it, you don’t wanna go.” Kip turned away from him, clearly irritated by this turn of events as he leaned away, fetching the remote from the nightstand on his side of the bed, turning the television on. “You don’t have to be so rude about it.”

“It would just be suspicious if--”

“And what does that matter?” Kip asked with a sigh, Cassidy already regretting ever answering anything when this topic was brought up. “We’ve been dancing around this topic for weeks now. Is that ever going to fucking stop, or are we going to just keep this as a secret forever? It’s been like, what, two months at least now and nothing has changed except we just need to keep being more and more careful as time goes on. Do you understand how exhausting that is?”

It wasn’t really a surprise to Cassidy that Kip was bringing all of this up, and honestly he was right about it too. It had been a few weeks now, and it was wearing both of them down steadily, but surely. Constantly having to arrange things around one another but still keep being together a secret, never answering their friends questions about their free time anymore, not being able to spend time together while they were at work… It was all very exhausting, yes, but at the same time maybe that was at this point in time still better than potentially facing the backlash of bringing this whole relationship into light.

Cassidy just really had no idea how to tell all that to Kip in a way he would understand it better, especially when he knew just as well as the Brit himself did that Kip was already very well aware of all of these facts too.

“I just wish we could act like… I don’t know, fucking normal I guess, around other people too. I just want to be able to do stuff with you without it being all like this.”

Kip didn’t need to specify what “this” meant in this context, Cassidy already knew it. This was far from the first time they had talked about this, far from the first time either of them had tried to push out some ideas to maybe bring this all into the light. Cassidy less so, but nonetheless, to both of them this was an issue they needed to solve. Eventually more so for Cassidy, if he was being honest. Sure being so secretive was stressful and taxing, but at the same time he felt like this was all working out really well for the two of them, and having to bring it all out to the public when he didn’t know what kind of a general reaction they would get, was probably actually making him feel more anxious than trying to continue to hide it all for as long as possible until the world was ready to hear about the two of them in his mind.

“Whatever. Forget I even asked. I’ll just go alone, it’s fine.”

Before Cassidy could even muster an apology out of him, let alone a reply of any sort, Kip pushed himself up from the bed, picking up his bag on the way as he headed for the bathroom. A heavy sigh escaped from Cassidy as he heard the shower being turned on soon after, knowing that while the conversation was now definitely over for the night, on the long term the struggle had just started. While they hadn’t maybe been together for that long yet, he already had a very clear vision of what kind of a person Kip was especially in a relationship, and Cassidy knew full well when he set his mind onto something like this, Kip wasn’t going to let it go before he got what he wanted. Or something went terribly wrong while he was trying to get his desired results.

Cassidy just wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to give it to him yet. Eventually, obviously, if things between them went on well enough for long enough, they would make it official publicly as well to at least their friends and coworkers. But right now he still wasn’t entirely sure about it. While it didn’t feel very fast, it wasn’t like they had just gotten together yesterday, it had been a couple of weeks at this point, something about it was still off putting to him.

Maybe it was the fact that it had been a while and they were still hiding it. Obviously Kip didn’t really like that anymore, and Cassidy wasn’t even sure why they had carried it out this long. Out of habit probably, but it still felt more comfortable to him than putting it out there. Something about keeping it a secret felt safe, even if it was definitely the more taxing option, and he just wanted to cling onto that feeling maybe.

He shook his head, hand reaching for the remote as he turned the television off before proceeding to prepare himself for bed. It was obvious no more conversations were going to be had tonight, and it was late already, they really did need to sleep in order to be able to get to work tomorrow. Turning the lights off Cassidy listened to the sound of the running water coming from the bathroom as he returned to the bed, settling himself comfortably under the blanket. Kip was taking his sweet time, probably trying to distance himself from the previous conversation, giving them both time to breath. Or at least that’s what Cassidy was hoping for.

Trying to calm his own mind with a couple of deep inhales, Cassidy settled on his spot in the bed, snuggling his head against the pillow and closed his eyes. He was already tired from all the traveling and the mental toll all of this was taking on him, so it didn’t take Cassidy long to fall asleep despite the situation around him.

---------------------------

Navigating his way through backstage, Cassidy was basically looking for any possible glimpse of Kip he could. He hadn’t seen Kip since last night, by the time morning rolled around and Cassidy woke up, Kip was already gone from the hotel room. It wasn’t anything unusual for them to leave at different times to avoid suspicion, but usually they at least had breakfast together before leaving. And this morning Kip was just gone, before he even woke up, which was unusual for him, especially since usually Cassidy was the one that left first as Kip liked to sleep in and took longer in general to get ready for the day.

Cassidy didn’t blame him after what transpired the night before, but truth to be told, he was a little hurt by it all, there was no denying that. At least if something positive came out of this, Cassidy knew now fully where Kip stood with this topic, and it made it easier for him to make up his mind about it too.

Well. At least somewhat easier. Pulling the trigger on something like this especially when you had to afterwards explain to all of your friends why you had been hiding it from them for weeks wasn’t going to be easy. Cassidy already knew that at least Chuck was going to freak out at him no matter what. But at least if that happened, they would easily use his reaction as one of the key example reasons why they had decided to keep it under wraps up until this point.

Finally stopping the fruitless search and pushing the locker room door open, Cassidy was rather surprised to actually find it empty. Usually he was the last one to arrive out of their group, especially when they spent the morning hiding away at the hotel with Kip. Maybe it shouldn’t have been so surprising to him that the rest of the Best Friends hadn’t arrived yet, considering that things hadn’t happened this morning. With a sigh he flung his bag on the couch, taking a seat next to it.

He was going to get to see Kip eventually, that much was for sure. Even if he had gotten so irritated with Cassidy that he somehow would have gone through getting a whole separate hotel room, which Cassidy doubted but wasn’t completely ruling out immediately considering how last night had gone, they still had a big multi men tag team match between their respective groups happening tonight. So at least they were going to be sharing the ring tonight, if not the bed later.

Thankfully he didn’t have to be alone with his thoughts for too long, as soon the door swung open again, Cassidy watching Kris stroll in, a smile landing on her face as soon as she saw the blond sitting on the couch.

“Orange! Perfect!” Cassidy just shrugged back at her as he leaned back on his seat, just kind of hoping tonight would be over quickly. Kris parked her luggage next to the couch before walking around the room, quickly checking in the shower and bathroom before returning to Cassidy. “The rest of the boys are not here yet?”

He shook his head, the smile just growing bigger on her face as Kris threw herself down on the couch next to him. “Good, I wanted to ask you something.”

Cassidy didn’t even have time to let the dread build inside of him before Kris already blurted out the words he had been hoping nobody would be directing at him any time soon.

“Sooooo you are dating someone, aren’t you?”

Cassidy didn’t need to reply, as the way he tensed up visibly at the question already told Kris everything she needed to know, making her gasp a little bit in excitement as she pushed herself up in a proper sitting position on the couch, her eyes never leaving Cassidy as she did. “I knew it! The boys didn’t believe me but I knew it!”

“Kris, please--”

“Who is it? Do I know them? How did you meet? How long have you been together? What--”

“Kris. Please.”

She pouted a little at being interrupted, but quieted down pretty fast seeing how exhausted Cassidy was already about this whole thing. The blond just sighed, removing the sunglasses from his face before he wiped a clearly frustrated hand over it, letting out the sigh.

“If I say yes, will you leave me alone?”

Kris didn’t reply, just watched as Cassidy put the sunglasses back on, trying to relax a little on his seat. He knew it was pointless to try to hide the truth from Kris at this point obviously, but this was also maybe one of the worst possible times she could have actually brought this up with him. Whatever he said, it was either not going to convince her, or she was just going to keep on asking more questions, no matter what. And Cassidy just really didn’t want to think about all of this right now.

“…Sorry.”

Cassidy glanced in her direction, watching Kris’ eyes land on her lap, her fingertips tracing the folds of her jeans as she was trying to find a direction to take this conversation. Cassidy sighed again, shaking his head a little. “It’s fine. Or whatever.”

“Sorry,” she muttered again, reflecting his sigh with a quiet one of her own. “I just got excited. We’ve been speculating about this a lot with the guys and, well…”

Her voice trailed off, but Cassidy just nodded a little. Obviously the lies he had been telling had been easy to read through, honestly he was pretty sure the only reason why Kris was the one thinking along the right lines was because of Chuck and Trent’s denial about the situation, which was probably also why she was the first one confronting him and not either of them. He couldn’t blame her though, not only because she was right, but this was obviously a fairly big deal. Big enough to potentially disrupt the group dynamic even, especially if they found out who it exactly was that Cassidy was involved with.

“…You’re right though.”

Kris looked back up at him, blinking blankly at him a couple of times as she was registering his words in her brain. Cassidy just shrugged. He had no real reason to hide it from her if she had already figured it out up to this point. Denying her the truth only to hopefully eventually bring it up again wasn’t going to leave pretty marks. “But you can’t tell them, okay? We are not…”

He stopped to think about it for a moment, shaking his head slightly. “I’m not ready for that yet.”

For what it was worth, Kip obviously seemed to want to take the next step sooner or later, way earlier than he was ready for it honestly. Cassidy understood his side of things, but then again, Kip didn’t seem to have as much hanging here as he did. He hated to say it, but Kip seemed to have much more supportive friends in this case than he did. He never complained about anyone around him probing him for extra details about his life or the times he didn’t spend around them like the people around Cassidy seemed to do. And he knew Kip loved to complain, so this wasn’t just a thing he didn’t talk to Cassidy about. It just didn’t happen at all, or even nearly to the degree it happened almost on a weekly basis at this point with Cassidy.

He sighed. “I’m not ready for that yet.”

Kris nodded her head, sending him a little encouraging smile. “Of course. Again, sorry, I got a little carried away there. Just… When you’re comfortable, okay? I would love to hear all about it. For support, not for gossip. Obviously.”

Cassidy chuckled a little, glad not only for Kris’ immediate understanding but her lighthearted way of trying to lighten up the mood. “Sure.”

“Just,” she started, eyes trailing off as she glanced around the room, slightly awkwardly trying to look at anything but Cassidy in the moment, “You don’t have to answer, of course, but… Why?” His eyes narrowed at her behind the sunglasses, Kris just shrugging a little. “Why aren’t you ready? Why is this a secret?”

He had a million answers to it that he could give to her. So many ways to say it, so many ways not to. A lie for every truth he had in him. Instead he just motioned vaguely with one lazy hand around him, watching Kris raise a brow at him. Cassidy wasn’t sure what kind of an answer she had been expecting after all that, but apparently it wasn’t really this. But the look in her eyes still told him that she got it.

“…Is it the guys?”

Neither of them was sure why Kris was even asking, as soon as the question left her lips the answer was very obvious. Even more so as almost on cue the locker room door opened again, the two people in question walking into the room, Trent following up in Chuck’s leading footsteps. As both Kris and Cassidy turned towards them Chuck froze on his spot, glancing between the two of them, it being very obvious that they had interrupted something important here.

“Sorry, bad timing?”

Both of them just shook their heads, not answering anything beyond that despite the suspicious look they gathered from Chuck.

---------------------------

He knocked on the locker room door, but was met only with silence. This was expected though and it didn’t falter his plan as Cassidy just pushed the door open, not being surprised in the slightest to find the other man sitting there, sulking all by himself. He was right where he was promised to be.

As he heard the door open, Kip glanced towards it, obviously annoyed as he had wanted to be left alone for a while, a genuine look of surprise crossing his face at the sight of his boyfriend instead of one his stablemates like he had been obviously expecting.

“Clemen--”

Kip stopped himself before the affectionate nickname slipped from his mouth, quickly turning away to hide the slight shade of pink that climbed on his cheeks. Cassidy did his best to pretend he didn’t see any of it as he walked up to the other man, in his head trying to decide if Kip was being so bashful about it because of what had transpired in the ring and he was hurt about it, or if this was about trying to not show such affection towards him in public. He wasn’t entirely sure, but it was probably a bit of both.

“What do you want? Didn’t you already mock me enough out there?”

Cassidy glanced down at the ice pack he was holding in one hand that Kip had obviously missed him carrying, carefully extending it towards Kip, placing it against the side of his face. The Brit flinched away a little, but as Cassidy insisted on holding it against him, Kip hesitantly accepted it into his own hands.

“I didn’t mean to hit you that hard. Sorry.”

Kip muttered something that sounded like an insult back at him, still refusing to look back at Cassidy. The blond observed him for a moment, finally taking a seat on the bench next to him. Kip didn’t look at him, to be honest Cassidy was pretty sure he turned a little bit more away from him actually. The blond opted out to observe his hands as the stiff silence fell in the room between the two of them, it being obvious that some of this tension needed to be relieved one way or another.

Cassidy slowly removed his sunglasses, letting out a quiet sigh.

“Look, I’m sorry. About last night.”

“No you’re not.”

Cassidy’s eyes narrowed as Kip finally turned back towards him, his eyes still wandering around to everything but to look directly at the blond. At this point Cassidy wasn’t entirely sure if the slight reddish color on his face was a blush or a potential bruise starting to form on the side of his face where the Orange Punch had landed earlier.

“You’re not sorry about what happened. I am. I’m the one that was out of line.”

Leaning forward on his seat, Kip leaned his arms against his legs, letting out a sigh. “You were right. It would be all too weird and suspicious if we did any of that. Sorry for even suggesting it.”

He ran a free hand through his hair, shaking his head a little. “I’m just… You know. Fucking tired of all of this.”

As Cassidy remained silent, both of them knowing he didn’t need to say anything to confirm to Kip that he knew exactly what he was talking about, Kip just shook his head again, turning his eyes away from Cassidy.

“I just… I don’t want to just be your dirty little secret forever.”

“You’re not my dirty little secret.” Kip snorted quietly, choosing to sulk a little beyond the shadow of the ice pack again, to avoid eye contact with Cassidy. “Well, you are a secret and definitely dirty, but you know what I mean.”

“Sure do make me feel like I am.”

Cassidy knew this game Kip was playing and how he had the way to twist his words into the way he wanted to hear them, that being nothing but the negative in this case, so he just remained silent, letting the Brit continue talking.

“I hate tiptoeing around everyone else about this or my life in general. I hate it that I can’t just find you and hold you or your hand when I want to, that I can’t just push you against the lockers to kiss you. I hate going home alone and having to wait a week to come back to you for barely a full day before repeating the lonely cycle all over again. I fucking hate all of this.”

Kip let out a soft chuckle, sounding almost disappointed in his own line of thinking. “Fuck, I hate you for making me fall in love enough to keep on doing this.”

Cassidy observed him from the side, knowing full well that everything Kip was saying was genuine, as much as it hurt to think about. Mostly because he felt the same way himself, and not only seeing but also hearing that Kip was willingly making these sacrifices because Cassidy had asked him to, every word felt like a little stab to his heart that he was just forced to take because this was his own doing.

“I know why we are doing this, but…”

“It’s tiring. I know.”

Kip finally looked directly at him, scanning the clearly tired face of the blond, almost as if to try to find some hints of insincerity, like these were just words he was saying because he knew they were ones that Kip wanted to hear, but he came short in his search.

“I don’t like this either. But it’s… It’s for the best right now.”

Kip sighed, but he nodded, knowing Cassidy wasn’t playing him just for fun. They both knew how exhausting this situation was, and the reasons for them keeping it this way, despite how it was affecting everything. They had talked about this a lot, but it didn’t make it much better for Kip, if he was being honest. He couldn’t recount the times he had straight up told Cassidy ‘fuck what anyone else thinks’, but he had still kept his promise to keep it all under the wraps. For him.

He felt a hand land on his tight, Kip’s eyes traveling down to it, a soft smile crossing his lips as he reached his free hand for it, intertwining their fingers together before squeezing Cassidy’s hand carefully.

“The fucking things I do for you,” he sighed, hearing a soft chuckle coming from Cassidy. His thumb carefully petted Kip’s, Cassidy just observing their hands sitting in Kip’s lap before he spoke up again.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about something. Other than apologizing for your face.”

Kip glanced up at him, Cassidy not returning the look as he kept looking at their hands, a little smile playing on his lips as he pondered through his words.

“About what you said last night. I think I might actually take you up on that trip offer.”

Kip’s brows furrowed at him, but Cassidy just kept smiling. “Maybe it would be a good thing. Not for the potential rumors but…” He looked up, directing the smile straight at Kip, leaving no room for any misinterpretations of what he was saying. “Maybe it would be really good for us.”

Cassidy could feel Kip’s grip of his hand tighten a little, a barely noticeable amount, but the man never broke eye contact with him, looking almost surprised at his words. “Really? You… You do want to go with me?”

Cassidy shrugged, but kept on smiling. “Sure, why not? Like you said, we should spend more time together, and having this little getaway could do us some good. See if we can… Hold this together for more than two days at a time or whatever. And without having to worry about someone catching us.”

In a one fell swoop Kip dropped the ice pack from his face and his hand, with his now free hand reaching for Cassidy, pulling him closer by the back of his head for a kiss that was almost as big of a surprise to him as Cassidy’s statement just now was to Kip. Cassidy chuckled softly against the kiss, eventually returning it before Kip cut it short by pulling away again, looking away almost instantly as a shade of regret crossed his face as he realized what he had just done.

“Shit, sorry, I-I didn’t mean to. You just… Really surprised me.”

Cassidy just shrugged it off with a smile. It wasn’t uncharacteristic for Kip to act this affectionate, especially when put on a spot, but they had been extra careful and making sure such acts of affection weren’t done in public, which was the part that caught him off guard. Cassidy reached his hand for Kip’s face, landing it on his cheek, turning him back towards him.

Him blushing like that was so endearing to Cassidy.

“Your friends won’t bother us for a while. It’s alright.”

A soft smile crossed Kip’s lips, but Cassidy was sure he could see a little smirk also tucking in the corners of his mouth as Kip registered his words.

“Oh thank god.”

Before Cassidy could reply, Kip grabbed a handful of his shirt, pulling him close for another kiss, this time clearly intentional enough that Kip wasn’t going to let him go any time soon. Which suited him just fine, as Cassidy didn’t want him to, allowing his free hand to run through Kip’s hair as he let the Brit deepen the kiss.

[athene-studies]

k havin some trouble keeping out of The Ennui this past while and i realized i had 7 core values listed on my blog (listed on the little explore thing on my desktop theme as "live life on purpose • step off the path of least resistance • take care of myself • contribute to the community • get things done • always learn • appreciate beauty") sooo score thats a weekly challenge right there.

im just gonna start tomorrow (its the night of the 5th as i post this) since im lucky and my week isnt bounded by things like "weekdays". lets do them in order!

6. Tue - live life on purpose: to keep myself mindful I'm going to write down what I've done after every half hour of my day, plus im gonna plan out a couple things at certain points of the day and attempt to stick to those plans 7. Wed - dont get dragged back into my comfort zone: i do have a dentist appointment that day, but im going to also go to the library while im out, which ive been trying to do for a while but just never felt right. im going to wear a cute but maybe a bit weird outfit, and whenever i have an urge to do something (i should go read, i should cut up and eat an apple), im going to do it instead of succumbing to the Nah. ...also this isnt relevant to the daily challenge but i do need to pick up a prescription so im going to try to remember that 8. Thur - take care of myself: im going to try to do all of my self-care habits ive set up. most of them i do once in a while, but i havent managed to do all of them at once in a few weeks. so that means doing my workout, brushing my teeth, turning my phone off at 1 and reading instead for bedtime, making sure my laundry is put away... etc. this one's only a small part of the day but i guess that means its a good chance to rest lol 9. Fri - help others: its a terrible time of year to do things like volunteering, plus short notice, so im going to focus on chores around the house and donations and home political action, that sort of thing. maybe text my siblings to find out how theyre doing. 10. Sat - get shit done: i mean what else is there to say. at the beginning of my day im going to write down a list of things to get done (attempting to include things that are low on my priority list so just keep repeatedly getting pushed back, like calling my grandpa and working on a video edit) and see how much of it i can do. the slogan for the day is gonna be "if i think to myself 'yknow i could go do this thing' i fucking will" 11. Sun - learn: hopefully the rest of the week will have caught me up on my accounting course, but if not, id like to do that. after that, though, id like to set aside some time to read articles on things i care about but dont know much about, and do a lesson or two of language learning or coding or something. learning at my own pace isnt going very well so far considering "my own pace" is ✨stagnancy✨ 12. Mon - appreciate the world: not much else to note other than looking around myself more often. im pretty good at this one already. lets use it to mean "do hobbies"-- take an hour to do some writing, take an hour to do some music, drink a tea ive been keeping aside for a special occasion, idk

and i will let you know how that goes :)

[plutosring]

lil life update im case ur interested

stuff w my friends is still messy but better, i have mock exams for all my subjects in 2 weeks which is suler stressfull bcs i suck at some subjects (esp the rlly hard ones like chemistry and computer science) also just had an english exam (which i thankfully did pretty good at) and thats kind of it at the moment? i have some ideas for writing but lack the motivation and free time to actually do it lol.

anyways i wanted to see how u've been recently so whats up?

of course im interested seth <3

im glad the stuff with your friends is getting better!! and good luck on your mock exams, i know you'll do great! <3 just make sure to study reaaaally hard! but not so hard your head explodes, you know? and congratulations on doing well on your english exam!! thats absolutely spectacular!

ive done a lot recently i believe: i took two ap exams! one for nsl government and one for seminar (which is a class about research and presentation skills). i dont know how well i did on either of them. most likely failed them both, but thats okay! at least theyre done now :D today i went to school to help with a event that my school was invited to host! i got six ssl hours (i believe) for setting up chairs for bands and i was there from 7:00 am to 12:30 pm.

im really happy to hear from you :]

[throwaway-yandere]

Otome anon again ❤️ thanks for the reply! I'm quite happy about it. And yeah I'm a little late to your works bc of school so there's a bunch of works that I need to catch up on 😭 Really hoping we get a small break soon. From the looks of it, your newer works are gonna be WILD 😳 I mostly got introduced to your blog bc of your Alhaitham and Tighnari fics: Vision Qualifications and Creative Differences. I was particularly very interested in how you portrayed Tighnari in CD and adored the way reader being a writer was portrayed.

And yes! It's a game that will be downloadable and I've been learning a bit of renpy to achieve this. It's surprisingly simpler than I imagined. All the tutorials are helpful and the folks in the renpy server are very nice 👌 So far routes aren't 100% finalised but I will say that there ARE secret routes that you can unlock if you choose the right options 🤭

I'm thinking of trying to make a survey to decide some routes but I'm not overly sure what to put on it.

Thanks for all the support!!

"your newer works are gonna be WILD 😳"

??? wdym, after the last 4 fics ive written im being incredibly merciful rn in the secret pen pal event lol.

I mostly got introduced to your blog bc of your Alhaitham and Tighnari fics: Vision Qualifications and Creative Differences. I was particularly very interested in how you portrayed Tighnari in CD and adored the way reader being a writer was portrayed.

you guys are free to hate me for this: but those two fics are my least liked fics i've written hAHAHAHAH. not enough spice for me. not enough violence or dubious "food". i still question why people wanted part 2 on that tighnari fic when for me it was the blandest story i've written i am SORRY it just IS for me ya know what I mean it's just BLAND NO SPICES NO FLAVOR- i wrote about cannibalism, a dragon diety!reader, and a bunch of weird things, my small brain does not calculate why these two has more attention than the ones I actually use my brain for hAHHAHAHAHA- (like seriously, both those fics had little research whatsoever while I'm pulling out sht like Japanese & Filipino mythology, KPop culture, and fricking Abraham Lincoln's biography (no joke.) on other fics hjdasjas)

All the tutorials are helpful

my dumbass who spent hours tryna figure out how to remove the dialogue box for a CG scene: haha yeah g-good for you...

I'm thinking of trying to make a survey to decide some routes but I'm not overly sure what to put on it.

as a dain simp you know who i'd vote for so if you don't want a biased poll don't let me find that survey hAHAHAHAH

considering that you like otome games, I'm recommending this one: "I Got Reincarnated As A Server NPC In An Otome Game But A Capture Target Won’t Leave Me Alone". Don't be discouraged by that title, it's not a comedy LN at all. It contains violence and a mentally deranged cold duke of the south diluc lol. my fave blorbo.

O Capo! My Capo! can be a pretty grim series considering how I was inspired to write it because of a bad ending in an otome game fandisc. There are major character deaths (and it's 100% the readers' fault when an LI dies because of votes), mentions of drug abuse, etc. But if you like Piofiore perhaps you'd appreciate it too. Capo!reader is basically "what if Lilia had Dante's occupation and Gilbert's charisma-- oh and I guess your Nicola is Alhaitham for some reason" lmao.

ps: i think i saw you posting a question on r/otome_games about how to make the MC's personality. i agree with the majority that, honestly, you should just go wild lmao. make MC have some fighting spirit. the bar is low--

in any case, I wish you luck!!! have fun coding the game <3

[coccyodynia]

things:

four years and a few days ago, i entered treatment for dual diagnosis care to treat my mental health and drug use

for about 4 straight years before that, i’m not sure i was sober for more than an hour at a time

i was really heavily using benzos and always mixing them with an extreme amount of alcohol

frequently confused as to who i was then, how people perceived me, and how i’m still alive

i’m extremely grateful i went to treatment, because if i hadn’t had some kind of intervention, i dont think i would have survived another year like that

i still really really struggle with relapses

and in the last two years i’m not sure i’ve managed to have a clean streak longer than 3 months

but i am trying

my drug abuse ended up being the last straw for some important people in my life, who would eventually leave my life bc of it

anyway moving on to other topics

i finally saw justin this week, for the first time in three months

it’s been a pretty weird 3 month period of not really knowing where we stood bc i couldn’t keep my feelings to myself, and he needed a break from that i guess

i understand it will never again be like it was when we first started talking

and tbh that really kills me, but i’m very grateful he’s a part of my life still, in some way

the connection was immediately really strong from the start and i really credit him with helping me a lot

he was probably the first person to verbalize “i’m here for you”, and actually follow through with that sentiment

meeting him almost exactly one year after reid left my life is probably worth mentioning here but whatever

ive finally been able to start seeing my therapist again, and i meet with her monday

right now she can only schedule me every other week, which is a really hard adjustment for me to make tbh

since october of 2019 i probably have had therapy at least once a week

im really struggling with staying sane bc my job has become an incredibly stressful place for me, which didn’t used to be the case

like work has always had some level of stress, sure, but this last month or so, i have been getting physically sick from the stress, crying at my desk every day, etc

but on the other hand, i’m also having these really meaningful yet overwhelming moments of gratitude for being where i’m at

like yeah nothing is perfect or even close, but i have created a life for myself that works most of the time

im finally experiencing a level of safety and security that i have honest to god never felt before, and i did not even know that it could improve this much

growing up i didnt have any sense of safety or security at all, which i didn’t realize until very recently

in the last year or so working with nicole (my therapist), i have finally learned that the things i was subjected to as a child were not normal, and that it was traumatic

about 6 months or so ago (possibly less), i learned i have complex post traumatic stress disorder

i had pretty much known for over a decade that i was borderline, before i was officially diagnosed

but i didn’t even have an inkling of an idea that i could be experiencing CPTSD, so when my therapist gently told me i was, my world view realllyyyyy started to shatter and shift

it has been very very difficult to come to terms with tbh

anyways i really miss writing and photographing and making art so i hope to return to that soon

i’m at work rn and i should probably start doing my job before the bosses get here so ta-ta for now thanks for reading this insane post

[rarepairnation]

3, 23, 24, 25, 27 and 30? 💕

hi hi ria!! blessings of rain be upon ye...

3. how you feel about your current wip

i am RATTLING the bars of the cage in my brain!!! by that i mean the faramir goes to rivendell au is possibly my favourite best thing ive ever written i am just stuck in the mudpit of the current conversation and i would like to. not be there. but i really do love working on it it feels like gradually assembling a structure around a framework and when i step back and really look at it its just. jrr tolkien and i are having A Conversation. you know? like yes!! i AM transforming the work!! i AM deciding whether he would fucking say that and i do think i am right at least 92% of the time!! ive had the concept of the au in my head for probably 3-4 years at least and i feel like. well i was never really going to feel Ready to write it. and yet i am grabbing it in my hands and doing it anyway and it IS making me a much better writer and i can Feel it. yeah i love it.

and umbar fic/situationship au is just me pushing the bounds of do it weird/do it horny/do it self-indulgent and it is. SO MUCH FUN. i think there has always been a little block in my head stopping me from doing that i mean like everything i write is kind of like. this is specifically created to cater to me. but the panopticon in my head is a crazy thing. but step by step we are defeating it. this is like the next step up from just so long as this thing's loaded which was kind of my first time pushing those bounds and. i mean there are a lot of things about that one that i think i could improve now (this is my REAL answer to that "would you rewrite anything" question from the other ask meme) but it definitely got me here. never underestimate the power of a rarepair to make you WEIRD. (<- abby rarepairnationcore sentences...)

23. pick three keywords that describe your writing

what is this a job application? LOL just kidding but i do suck at these. um. atmospheric. character-driven (yes this is two words but it is true). interrogative (i am IN THERE with. either the original text. or the minds of the characters. shakes u like a snow globe WHAT is going on in your head).

24. how do you recharge when you're not feeling creative?

im really bad at this. like actually spectacularly abysmal. i mostly sit around feeling sorry for myself for three to nine months. until i eventually buck up the motivation and executive function to actually (re)consume a piece of media and more often than not it will seize me by the throat and lead me out of the pit. yeah this does usually work best with things ive seen before that will awaken a dormant fixation.

25. besides writing, what are your other hobbies?

going to the grocery store. doing my dishes. LOL ok when i am Not Writing A Novel-Length Fic i knit. one day i will start doing it again i want to make. the extensive sweater vest collection of my dreams. but i already have this repetitive stress injury because i type for eight hours at work and then come home and type for four more and i think if i started knitting again on top of that i would immediately crumble to dust. and um. is that it? that can't be it. i do calligraphy sometimes. WAIT LOL I BIND BOOKS. -> @hexagonspress

27. your favourite part of the writing process

omg ok i'm not sure if this is like my Top Number One Favourite but ive recently started really enjoying drafting out ao3 tags and start/end notes it's really fun to work out what things i want people to notice that i might wanna talk about in the end notes and compressing everything down into tags (to varying extents) is also just a neat way to think about like. what was i trying to capture/convey with the fic. e.g. whether i wanna be really wordy with it and get it all out in there or just have the reader go in pretty much blind.

30. share a fic you're especially proud of

maybe i'll never shut up about TO THE VERY DEAR MEMORY OF [ ] but like...you guys. i love it so much. it's so so experimental because the place in my mind that is wrapped around yancy becket is so....complicated and full of grief and fundamentally altering to my brain chemistry and i can only capture it through the world's craziest extended metaphors but i kind of feel like i pulled it off. it is like truly the tip of the iceberg of a LOT of stuff that is really fundamental to honestly a lot of my? lotr work? i mean the way i think about water metaphors...the fundamental dead brother complex baked into my writer's brain...it's all pacific rim in there. this fic marinated in my head for THREE YEARS. that is the longest from inception to completion that any of my (published) work has existed (unpublished is a whole different story. there's a longfic that i created at the beginning of my freshman year of college and has stuck around into postgrad. i mean. girl). i wrote the poem that each first line of every section is extracted from in my parents' house during covid lockdown. and then it just had to sit and develop and develop until the yancy becket death anniversary this year yanked it forcibly out of my head and into a fully-formed format.

fic writer's asks

[soconfusedwithmylife]

i love subnautica but dude is it buggy as shit lmao although! its one of its charms since its funky most of the time ESPECIALLY when its not happening to you. like i had a peeper stuck in the corner of my lifepod just rotating?? and it would close its eyes when i would come close or a shine light on it and open them back up when i go away or close the light. or like when a poor spadefish or boneshark gets yeeted across the ocean for no reason. is it funny to look back on a warper coming out of the sea to you like some fucked up little mermaid or a chelicerate busting through a ventgarden to attack you? sure. but is it fucked up in the moment? NO. the latter happened to my sister while i was there to emotionally support her on her way to get alan's whateverthefucks lmao. she loves and prefers below zero majorly over the og mostly because it was the first one she played and she grew attached to it over the beta,, she hates where they ended up with the finished product. i played like half an hour of it in the beta decided it wasnt for me. i get SUPER jealous of the seamonkeys and the mineral detector tho. ayoooo rip to you consolers but im different B) pc is superior in the way it literally lets you fuck around with however you want and you bet i Will Play God whenever applicable! what else do you play? also now that we are talking about games i have to tell you. i love you and and your writing. but the feelings ive felt when i read you put him in plat............. my boy should have been at least diamond from the start im still in tears from that chapter i still havent recovered to this day how could you do my boy like this. how could you doubt his epic gamer skills and gaming time management issues like this. please explain yourself before my entire life falls apart at your feet. also me, an adc main, reading "accidentally kill the large-"

my boy was holding it in by shEEr power of love. especially after they nerfed the fuck out of adc to the point mfs will be rolling up the lane with double ap or a fucking yasuo. why is there always a fucking yasuo on enemy bot lane. and why do they all share the same zombie braincell. yone did not die for this bullshit. and to answer your question it depends on where im sending the question from lol. like on mobile there is like a 300? i think? character limit while on mobile and something similar on pc if i go to your blog site and choose ask from your theme. but here is the thing. if i go to your blog from tumblr/user instead of user.tumblr, then click ask, it literally gives me the same box as if im making a post. so no text limit whatsoever and i can freely send pics and stuff, pretty neat B)

nah i think at the end of the day doing whatever makes you the most comfortable and happy regarding the uploads is the most important! i just liked having multiple days of something nice to me ya know? not necessarily the fact that it was split. and i love them both!! the reason i call it texas touya fic is because one, when i started reading tomura was still more like on the sidelines and it kinda stuck two, it rolls of the tongue easier than texas tomura i guess? but i love them both T-T both as texans and in general! oh and dont worry ill probably bore you till you tell me to go away or something and and and! have a nice day!

I almost wish my game was as buggy as yours sounds. It sounds hilarious and game enriching. Mine doesn't like to glitch up but that probably because I played on PS4 and 5. Right after original launch of plain Subnautica, I got to the lava castle but the containment area wouldn't load so I had to start a new save. Hours down the drain.

^legit me after going through the entirety of the game again. Reapers, warpers, ghosts, and sea dragons biting chunks out of my ass all over again. But it was soooooo fun. It's one of my fave games.

OMG the backseat support gamer!!! I had one of those too for my second play through of oh Subnautica! Good on you to emotionally and psychologically hype your sister for the spookiness. I really liked below zero the first time I played it since I was just super hyped to have more Subnautica period but playing them again, you can definitely feel a substantial difference in atmosphere and replayability. Below zero just felt cramped and not as scary while Subnautica was open to terror from any direction. I totally understand your first experience being your favorite though. Whoa! You played it in the beta??? That's awesome! I'm but a lowly console peasant (until I get my PC fixed 😈) so I had to wait for console release.

OMFG DUDE. I was literally going to make him diamond II or even master BUT I didn't want a mega mind gamer in the comments to be like "erm, tomura wouldn't be diamond. It's hard to get to diamond!!11!" So I lowered his stats and you know what's CRAZY?! Me and a friend were talking about this exact issue and she brought up how he should have been at least diamond and I said the exact same story lmao. So I will go back and edit him into diamond 💀 he deserves it. The CS steal is so real 😔 so uncalled for. So unsophisticated. Okay but playing yasuo is fun, going against a yasuo is cancer. The wind shield is op. (When I'm playing against a yasuo) but sucks balls and blocks nada when I play him. (It's a zombie braincell hivemind that we all take turns with)

You're a Tumblr pro dude. 💀 I hadn't used it since 2015 so I'm still getting the hang of it (it doesn't tell me when I get notifs btw so I'm sorry for leaving you hanging for TWO WEEKS)

It legit means so much to me that you find so much joy in my writing and have stuck with it even with the long periods between updates. I appreciate you and the time you put into talking to me. It means a lot to me and you're the coolest anon I know.

Oh! And other games I play are pretty much anything 💀 I try to not get into competitive games like overwatch, Apex, or CSGO because I get EXTREMELY competitive and start screeching like a wounded animal. I used to play league religiously until my PC broke and my laptops can't run it (it can but it's like I'm either crashing or playing on PowerPoint) so I'm saving to get a new processor so I can play again! I mained ADC (jinx and Ashe, sometimes Tristana) or Annie on mid (LOL) BUT other than those, I prettyuch like anything. My fave games are Horizon Zero Dawn, Fable 2, Binding of Isaac, Assassin's Creed 2, and Minecraft! I play lots of survival games like ark, the forest, 7 days to die, and so on. I like simulation games Sims (obviously), house flipper, power wash simulator or even farming simulator 💀. You name a game, I've either played it or know about it.

They are my loves. They are my special boys and I care deeply for their fictional existence. As Texans, futuristic jerkwads, and in general.

No way will you ever bore me. If anything, I'll bore you

ANYWAY I will literally talk forever if given a chance 😬 thank you for talking to me! I'm always so excited to hear from you! I consider you a good friend at this point. How long has it been? Like 3 months? Maybe more???