#im pretty sure ive been writing for at least two hours

[becauseplot]

Last night I finished Ordem Paranormal: Calamidade Episode 2! A five hour episode---lots of things to think about lots of things to talk about, hooooo boy.

Second set of characters! Second set of characters! More little guys for me to rotate!

Going into this season, I already knew that there was going to be another team of players/characters moving through the story, but this doesn't make it any less of a delight! So happy to see Luis, Triz, and João back in action, and now we have a couple new players, Mount and Zero. Exciting!

I suppose this is what Cellbit meant when he said at the beginning of the season that even he doesn't know how this story will end. Since we have our "good guys" team and "bad guys" team, the success of their respective order's missions is going to depend directly on the players' actions. The fate of the story has been almost entirely put in the hands of the players. And now whatever happens, happens.

This episode wasn't particularly plot-heavy: mostly just a bunch of fights one after the other. But that's not to say this episode wasn't without its moments. And it certainly didn't feel like it was lacking on the character-front, no sir. It was a pretty fun episode for me, because I love watching fights---not as much as I love watching character moments, but the fights are fun as well. And they can also lead to character moments!

Depicted: the Escripta crew demonstrates all five stages of grief simultaneously as T-Bag takes 38 damage in a single round from Signore Leone.

Alright let's go down the list.

Demir and Boris! Lumping them together because I. I'm sorry I don't have any major feelings about them right now. They exist! They seem to be twins! They had a brother whose name I can't quite remember but presumably died to something to do with the Devil, if I remember correctly. All the more reason to want to do away with the paranormal. Could they be the same brothers that the previous case was about? Probably not, but interesting that we have some characters with a direct history with the Devil. I just really think it's funny that this is the second time Luis has played a character with a "body double" if that makes sense. I don't quite know how to articulate it but out there exists some sort of Venn-Diagram between Damir and Luci/Fer with a non-zero middle part.

Anyway very interesting combat strategy they have, with Damir using rituals to buff Boris' weapon and defense for combat. They both care deeply about each other, as is obvious with the ways they try to stick close and protect each other. They're not just siblings, they're a functional duo! Also I believe it was Demir who said, when "the Devil" showed up, "This is not our fight." Something like that. Do I sense a hint of reluctance to fight for the Escriptas? To lay down your life for them? Why join in the first place? Is it better to cut your losses? Incheresting... (I could also be completely making this up, but I'm too lazy to go back and check.)

T-Bag! The rabid feral dog of the team! Auto subs hated whatever the hell he was saying about killing his dad but I'm convinced that 50% of what was coming out of his mouth was unhinged nonsense so it's...alright, I suppose. I find it infinitely hilarious that this guy has one of the largest sanity stats of the whole team. Yeah he might be crazy but he's not crazy, you know? His craziness is not a detriment to him, it's just how he is. Just a hungry little cannibal guy <3 Just looking for his next meal <3 Eating Artemis' possum for a snack to tide him over <3

Artemis! Firstly her personality is. So funny? Whenever shit is going down she always seems annoyed, like, "Man, now this is happening? Come on. 🙄" And meanwhile the "this" that is happening is a bunch of people are beating the shit out of each other and trying to murder her. When Gal (we'll get to him a second don't worry) sat down on that table in the front room to do his typical postering bullshit, Artemis just rolled her eyes and shoved him out of the way so that she could level her sniper on it. And that endeared me to her immediately <3 So sorry Triz's little possum friend got eaten two seconds into the season. 2 for 2 on dead animal friends, I'm afraid. Funny to think about how the Marcados are (theoretically) connected to each other by their players, and Triz's characters unfortunately inherited the link of "Animal friends who perch on your shoulder get their necks snapped." Sorry :T

Oh yeah and she's a cannibal too! Diversity win! There are two cannibals on the team and they are very different people who come from clearly very different walks of life and have a different style of cannibalism! That really caught me off guard. When she started to eat the dead body beside T-Bag I was shocked and absolutely delighted. Oh, she's a little fucked up too! And she can shape-shift, apparently! Artemis always kept me guessing this episode. Love her <3

Teammates <3

And of course, we now come to Gal. The bastard. The melodramatic sadistic motherfucker who's been here since the beginning of this shitshow. I've said this a billion times in the discord but GOD I love how João plays him. João's performative playstyle is absolutely perfect for a performative, arrogant character like Gal. Ever since his first appearance in OPD, João has put his heart and soul into making this character fucking rotten and wrong and sick, and it works. so. well. Like I said, you LOVE to hate this guy. Gal is a fantastic character, expertly crafted to be the perfect villain. Even on a meta level---João will sometimes go as far as to interrupt Cellbit just to keep being evil (cutting off the closing narration of OPD ep 6 to continue describing how Gal goads at Joui and co about Liz's death, to keep counting up his dice on the attack on the first Leone even after Cellbit has told him the guy is dead) and even goad the players (OPD finale, at Guaxi: "Might want to start thinking about a new character, eh?") to make sure that you hate this guy's putrid shriveled guts. No joke, when João showed up on the screen and Gal's little icon appeared on the tabletop, I just about foamed at the mouth.

My genuine reaction on discord.

GOD I love Gal. I want to rip his throat out with my bare hands. I would do unspeakable things to this character and I do NOT mean in the sexy way.

But! We got to see a little more of Gal as a person this session, which I really loved. Seeing him outside of combat and interacting with his subordinates was so much fun. He's fond of some of the Escriptas under his command (when they're not annoying him), especially his "son" Dagan. The way he treats Dagan is almost pet-like and sickly sweet, emphasis on the sickly. He ruffles his hair, brings him gifts, smiles fondly at the thought of Dagan having fun murdering a bunch of people in the rooms upstairs. Honestly it's kind of cute? In a fucked up way to be sure. Still cute though. That's Gal's little guy! Everyone needs a little guy!

I think at the heart of Gal's leadership style is that he has no patience for dealing with people who he thinks should know better. Otherwise, he's chill with you---or as chill as this sadistic bastard can be---and will even try to care for you.

POV: you have to explain to your stupid lackey for the second time that the evidence needs to be translated because you don't speak Italian.

Because on some level, he cares. It shows in how he treats Dagan, it shows on how gently he treated that one soft-spoken girl with the dyed hair (whereas Damir just snapped at her for not making eye-contact when she was talking to him, the dick), it shows in how he tried to do something stop Signore Leone from advancing when Signore Leone used his lionhead mace to throw Artemis against the wall, and it shows how when "the Devil" showed up, Gal looked to Kian and said, "Don't let them [the Escriptas upstairs] die." Even if he knows that all of them will have to die in the end to achieve Kian's goal of destroying the paranormal, some part of him still cares about his team. Sure, it could be that he just wants to make sure that they maintain enough man-power to see the job all the way through, but...no, it's not entirely that. There's something under the surface there, as twisted as he may be. He is not immune to giving a damn.

Kian. This guy. Fucking nerd. I don't dislike his character but I don't have any super strong feelings about him, probably because we haven't seen him as a character very much at this point. His reasoning behind destroying the paranormal is still some whack-ass shit. Over 4000 years to come up with a plan and THIS is what you arrive at? You're kidding. For a guy who """knows everything""" how could you POSSIBLY miss the detail that massacring thousands of people would, I dunno, CAUSE AGONY AND FEAR, which would, I dunno, WEAKEN THE MEMBRANE AND THUS MAKE THE PARANORMAL INFLUENCE IN THE WORLD WORSE. Chopping heads off hydras is what he's doing. Idiot.

It's talked about during Gal's conversation with Signora Leone in the office upstairs. Interesting for a character to understand and possibly even sympathize with the Escriptas' motivation. Signora Leone wants the paranormal to end too! She would do anything to rid the world of it---anything, that is, that doesn't require murdering thousands of innocent people. Gal tries to justify the mess downstairs as "it's the paranormal that's killing your family" like no bro I'm pretty sure that was you?? I get what he's saying, but if the paranormal no longer exists, or if the world was somehow reformed so that it's like the paranormal never existed, who's to say that the Leone family still wouldn't be involved in some sort of dangerous, non-paranormal dealings? It's such a subjective argument. Second grade level of critical thinking. Guess that's what happens when you get indoctrinated into a cult. "Kian sabe" oh please Kian doesn't "sabe" shit.

Anyway, that's about all I have about this episode. The NPCs were cool, watching Gal babysit his gaggle of weirdos was fun, and I liked the part where they nearly blew up T-Bag by firing a bazooka into a (closed) safe. They're so good at this.

Huh, feel like I'm...forgetting something...

OH WAIT.

JOUI IS BACK! MY BOY! MY BESTEST FAVORITEST BOY IS BACK AND HE IS PISSED.

Good lord. I actually screamed when this happened. I just. Okay how do I manage to take the chanting of jouijouijouijouijouijoui in my head and turn it into something intelligible by other human beings.

Let's start with the fact that I LITERALLY posted my Joui sword OPD rambles when I was less than an hour of episode away from this fight. I was over here angsting over the loss of Joui and missing him and talking about how fucked up it is that Mascara-Joui still has his sword, and then I get hit with this. I just. Okay! Sure! Why not!

To be clear: yes, I had seen Joui's OPC character miniature online before, both with and without the mask, and I knew from friends on the discord that Mascara-Joui had a stat sheet and he was STRONG. But, I figured that because Joui is still technically hanging around, it would make sense that maybe he could be like, a fight-assist NPC that would show up at some point to help the Ordem crew. Still an NPC, still emotionless, still masked, still not really Joui. So to see Luba return and play a version of Joui that CLEARLY retains his Joui-ness had me falling out of my chair. It was the last thing I expected. I really thought Joui's fate would be final, a no-going-back deal, since that's a pretty common theme with Ordem---permanent, inescapable consequences. I really thought that everything that made Joui Joui would be lost forever.

But no. Despite everything, Joui is still here, and he is not empty---he has his hate.

So many fucking questions. Most important of all: how is Joui here? He seems to have retained his memories from before he got masked (some of them, at least) but doesn't recognize who Kian is, mistaking him for Luci/Fer. I've got...one theory. Bear with me now. We know that the Devil is some sort of big-shot paranormal entity thing* who seems to thrive off of making pacts with humans. So, the Devil would not be too happy with people who are trying to stop the paranormal. This would include both the Order and the Escriptas, and especially the Escriptas since they're seeking to end the paranormal for good. So, perhaps the Devil used its power (made a pact with Joui somehow?) to restore Mascara-Joui and send him after the Escriptas. The Devil HAS to have something to do with this, considering the walls began to bleed when Joui showed up upstairs---something we know from ep 1 signals the arrival of the Devil---and the mention on the radio of someone claiming to see the Devil (perhaps it made a brief appearance before leaving Joui to it).

*A correction to the previous journal post: this is not the first time we have encountered a seemingly sentient paranormal entity! The God of Death from OSNF was clearly intelligent as well! I have other thoughts about this but they're kinda meta so I won't put them here.

Also, Joui is a very Death-coded character: his pensiveness and the fact that he often thinks back on what has happened when he meditates, the motif of death hanging over him since that night in the graveyard where his friends died, being frozen and helpless to the inevitable as Liz was killed in front of him, his dead-set motive to kill all of the Escriptas following said death, his fate being taken out of his hands and sealed when he made the deal with the Mascaras (more inevitability) and being in a downward spiral trying to kill himself in combat over and over leading up to the deadline. There's probably the more, but that's the gist. I do believe Joui's NEX is well beyond 50%, and he's got to be Death.

Here, though, I see both Death and Blood. Death is in his single-mindedness in this fight. He's like a force of nature, unstoppable, inescapable, inevitable. Given enough time in that fight, he would've killed them all, there's no doubt about it. Blood is in the hate, the sheer hate, he has for Gal and the Escriptas. It is potent. Death is often distinguished the absence of emotion and the inconsequentiality of the flesh, so the hate and violent rage Joui feels cannot be from Death. It has to be Blood, and the Devil I'm sure would be happy to help fill in those gaps. Joui's hate and anger brewed for a majority of OPD, so the Devil has plenty to work with. I love to see my boy cranked up to an 11.

And the fight. Needless to say, it was incredible. Every line out of Luba's mouth was a banger, every attack and action he did had me losing my mind. What I loved the most was how Cellbit, Luba, and João worked together to make Joui Jouki the scariest motherfucker ever. Both João and Luba can be pretty descriptive with their character's actions, so they complimented each other perfectly. João's RP skills really shone here, playing into the choices that Joui made and making it clear how affected Gal was by this fight. If you've got the guy who revels in pain fleeing from the fight, you know it's serious. When Joui cut off Gal's arm and Luba apologized to João ("sorry, friend") João just smiled, nodded, and respected it. God that is. PEAK RP right there. Genuine appreciation for other players' decisions, even if it's at the expense of your own character.

And actually---who says it's an expense? Gal has clearly been shaken up by this fight. Like João said, he's in shock. He lost his arm, the Escriptas are being slaughtered all around him, and Kian has seemingly abandoned him. There's plenty for João to work with here. I'm excited to see what he does with Gal, now that Gal's façade has finally cracked.

A final note about Joui... He really has changed, hasn't he? Yes, the anger is his. As I said, it's been brewing since OPD, but here, he is just out of control. No more of that self-discipline. He doesn't care anymore. He's angry. His hatred is beyond words. He has nothing but fury living inside him. Maybe that really is all he has left. I love the detail that his sword now heals people, but heals them wrong: a painful, twisted scar, leaving the flesh "rotten." That's what Joui kind of feels like now. A scar that healed wrong. A man restored but twisted by his pain and anger. And he will kill them all, one by one.

[FOLLOWING CONSTAINS SPOILERS FOR QUARANTENA]

And to finish it off: Joui tearing Hanna apart, limb from limb, furious, not reveling in it but dead-set on making her suffer just as he has before finally, finally killing her. Not really Nidere-core (Nidere definitely reveled in it fhdsk) but it is in my heart. Ouppy <3

[jacaerysgf]

wrong pick!

Reality tv star!Jacaerys x Reality tv star!Reader | 2.8k wrds

Jace has been paired up with cassandra since the beginning, thinking their bond was pretty strong he felt as though he had nothing to worry about but he was soon proven wrong. and he quickly finds out theres always been someone else in his corner.

too hot to handle!au, fluff, mild angst, confessions, blooming love, first kiss, jace pov, acts of service, she/her prns used for reader, slightly proofread

[its pretty late into the game so they have the watches if you know what im talking abt some things in this fic wont really make sense if you don't know the show, used outer banks characters names cause i was watching it while writing it dont mind me, ive also never watched the show ive only played the games so idk what goes on, im very rusty i havent properly written something in months im sorry if this is lame no taglist cause idk if people care anymore. does anyone even read these authors notes anyway enjoy!]

Being on too hot too handle was turning out to be a lot more fun than Jace had originally expected. He had met someone he truly thought he connected with. or at least he had thought so not even an hour ago but now he was storming away from the outdoor lounge pit with a furious look on his face as Cassandra calls after him.

He’s never been one to break rules, even on a show like this when moneys draining from the pool left and right he doesn’t dare let him be the reason it gets knocked down a couple thousand. When he paired up with Cass he had been worried at first since she had seemed like the sexually driven type but she seemed respectful of the fact he had no intention of breaking any rules. He wanted that money to be able to provide for his family back home so this meant a lot to him. Yet after they had gotten the green light she seemed to be more persistent in her attempts to get them to break the rules and he was not interested in the slightest which pissed her off.

She had come into the bathroom as he had just gotten out of the shower, the two flirted a bit and she had tried to kiss him to which he backed away. He truly didn’t mean anything bad by it but she had took it really poorly and stormed off from him, he tried to calm her down and she just blew up on him. He had realized the two had completely different thoughts about their relationship and she clearly did not like him the way he liked her and he lost it. She didn’t respect him, she could barely even remember the things he had said to her which was more than enough for him.

When she realized he had gotten truly upset with her, which he hadn’t done before, she tried to back peddle but he simply stormed off leaving her to call after him. He wishes he was more thankful she didn’t follow him but a part of him stings that she didn’t even care to come after him. He walks along the beach side until a familiar figure comes into his view and smiles at him. Kiara, one of the original contestants here like him, who quickly paired up with JJ another contestant, and the two had become good friends.

“Heard some yelling all the way over there,, everything good?” He drops down to sit in the sand next to her and sighs. “I don’t know. I think me and Cass are done.” He tries not to get hung up on the fact Kiara doesn’t really seem surprised by the news. Was it obvious to everyone but him they weren’t going to work? She sits quietly for a moment, Trying to put the right words together before she speaks. “Are you upset?”

“I don’t know. I think so? I feel like I should be more upset.” “I’m sorry dude but I don’t even know how you put up with Cassandra so don’t feel bad about not feeling bad.” He turns and glares at her, his mood souring slightly. “She’s not as bad as you all seem to think. she,, can be nice.” Kiara laughs with disbelief and looks at him expectantly, “Sure,, like when?” A soft smile falls on his face as he recalls a moment in particular in mind. “I had been complaing about how my favorite shirt was all wrinkled and she steamed it for me.”

A look of pure confusion crossed her face. “What are you talking about about?” “It was awhile ago I had fucked up my shirt-” She quickly stops him placing her hands on his chest as she fully turns to look at him. “No dude I know what you’re talking about what do you mean Cassandra did that?” Now its his turn to be confused. Kiara full on belly laughs as he tries to understand what’s going on. “Ugh She’s gonna kill me for this but dude it was never Cassandra doing that stuff. Its Y/n. its always been her doing all that shit for you. Got a huge crush on you.”

Jace’s face is unreadable as he attempted to process this information. He had always assumed it was Cass since she was the one he had been complaining to about it to and she always liked doing little things for him without taking credit,,, right? There has been so many little things, little comforts, little actions done for him after he’s complained about it that he’s always just assumed was Cass and his stomach sinks at the idea its never been her. Kiara has no reason to lie to him. She’s your best friend here and he likes to think the two of them are good friends too. There’s no way she would be trying to set you up.

It was all you.

Kiara watches him with an amused expression as he tries to put the pieces together. He quickly stands and Kiara’s face grows into a knowing grin, “See you later!” He barely acknowledges her as he quickly sprints back towards the villa. Kiara looks out towards the ocean and shakes her head, speaking out loud more so for the camera than for herself. “She’s gonna kill me.”

His head is racing, his mind twisted up in knots as he finally arrived back to the villa. He flinches when he sees Cassandra has thrown herself a pit party, some of the other contestant comforting her as she sits and cries into her hands. All heads shoot up when his footsteps hit the pavement. Cassandra perks up and quickly rushes over to him, stopping him when he tries to walk away. “Jacey please lets talk,” “We’re done Cassandra. There’s no need to talk.” Her eyes widen in horror as he tries his best to gently move her out of his way but he stops him, “Please Jacey baby lets not do this to us-” “There is no us.” He spits out before storming past her into the villa house, ignoring the way she’s calling after him.

Jace’s eyes dart frantically around every room he enters until everything goes still once he finally sets his eyes on you. You’re sitting in the lounge pit, JJ on one side and on your other side sat Pope, one of the other contestants. Whatever conversation the three of you were having completely pauses as all eyes had turned towards him. He takes a moment to finally look at you. He’s seen you around often sure but he never had truly stopped to look at you. You're another one of the original contestants just like him. He remembers meeting you on the first day, The bright smile you had on your face, the way you made him a special drink at the bar and sent a wink his way. It had been the best drink he had ever had. He had always thought you were beautiful but right now he couldn’t take his eyes off you.

“Hey dude, you need something?” JJ is the first to speak up, sitting up slightly from his lax sitting position prior and looking at Jace with raised brows. Jace however did not spare him a single glance, his eyes lasered onto you as you attempted to act nonchalant about his presence in the room.

You’re wearing your hair differently today.

“Can we talk?”

Despite not addressing anyone directly everyone knows he’s talking to you. You glance over at pope who shrugs and another glance at JJ who looks equally as bewildered as pope does before nodding lightly and standing to follow Jace out the room. No words are exchanged between the two of you until you reach a private terrace just outside the villa. When he turns to face you you give him an awkward but friendly smile as you attempt to not take this situation too seriously. “Sooo, What's up?” you pop the p at the end and grip your hands tightly together behind your back.

You had just heard him and Cassandra fighting outside everyone did quite frankly. You almost wanted to go run after him but it would be too out of character, too obvious.

“I know it was you.”

Your friendly demeaner falters ever so slightly at his words instead contorting into confusion as you tilt your head at him. “What was me?” He takes that step closer to you and by instinct you lean away from him ever so slightly. “I know it was you who steamed my shirt.” Your face completely falls and he watches your face twitch as you attempt to come back with a statement but he doesn't let you.

“I know you had decided to make skewers that might because I had been complaining about missing my families yearly barbeque this year. I know you were the one who had found my missing t-shirt after I ripped apart the whole house looking for it;” With every claim that leaves his mouth he takes a step towards you he takes the slightly step towards you and you take the smallest step back.

At this point your back at hit the cloudy glass door and he was right in your face. He could hear your heart pounding but he’s sure you could hear his too, to anyone else it would see like you were completely unbothered by his words but he can see the minor glaze in your eyes which tells him everything he needs to know.

Before he can say anything else one more particular memory pops into his mind, he can’t believe he had ever forgotten about this. You go to open your mouth to deny his allegations during his moment of silence, the eye contact and closeness the two of your were sharing was killing you but he quickly stops you.

“And worst of all, I know you were the one who put my name down in the anonymous poll.” When your eyes widen in horror he fights back the grin that grows on his face.

Got you.

It had been about two weeks ago. They had been having a costume party and Kiara had suggested they do a ‘Who’s the hottest?’ anonymous poll, one for the girls and one for the guys. Since the couples had been pretty strong at that point and it was pretty deep into the game it was originally brushed off as a lame idea since everyone would just chose who they were paired with but Kiara managed to convince everyone since two new bombshells had just arrived yesterday.

Everyone had technically been right and most people picked who they were paired up with except one. Jace had two votes. that pretty much killed the night as Cassandra blew up trying to figure out who had voted for jace. She had never suspected you since you were pretty much always paired up with pope and pope had gotten a vote. So she automatically targeted Cleo, one of the new bombshells, who later took the fall for you and claimed she had voted for jace. He never thought anything about it, it was a harmless game. Plus Cleo had come up to him and said she wasn’t really interested she just thought he was hot, so he ended up getting pretty embarrassed by Cassandras outburst but brushed it off as he really caring about him.

He watches you gulp and look down as you try to collect yourself. He can practically see the wheels churning in your head as you attempt to come up with anything to say. Suddenly you look back up at him. your face hardened as you even slightly glare at him. “So what?” His gaze turns into something more affectionate at your admission and your face softens, “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” His hands had come to grab your forearms lightly as his words are let out in a light whisper. You turn your head away from him as you try to ignore his burning gaze into the side of your face. “You’re with Cassandra. I would be the bad guy if I tried to break that up.”

He releases one of his hands to grip the side of your face to turn you back towards him. “I wasn't in the beginning.” Your eyes turn away from him as you mutter something under your breath he can’t understand. He pulls your face towards him and he hears your breath hitch. “You can tell me.”

“She beat me to it.” He blinks rapidly as he doesn’t understand what you mean before his eyes widen in realization. The first retreat had just been completed, you and Cassandra had been deemed the stand outs from it and were given the opportunity to pick one person to go on a date with. Before you could even speak Cassandra picked jace first, he remembers agreeing to the date thinking Cassandra seemed interesting he had never even considered you were planning to ask him as well.

You had ultimately ended up picking pope who happily agreed. He had now realized you simply settled and picked pope because he had already been taken out and everything else seems to fall into place. You and pope aren’t a couple, everyone with eyes knows that the two of you are just really good friends who happen to get paired up together since there's nobody else around for the either of you as everyone is already paired up. And now pope has become infatuated with Cleo leaving you alone for the last two retreats. You had no interest in any of the bombshells that walked into the villa or any of the original contestants because you liked him.

He finds his chest tightening as he takes a deep shuddering breath. “I'm sorry.” You flinch as if he had slapped you and lightly shook your head. “For what?”

“For thanking someone other than you for the things you would do for me. For not knowing it was you,” You are quick to cut him off “You were never meant to know don’t feel sorry.” If anything that makes him feel worse. He breathes as if his throat is constricted. “Why?” You sigh in defeat, your beautiful eyes downdated. “As I said you and Cassandra are a thing and I'm not someone who likes to get between-” “Me and Cassandra are done.”

As your face contorts into something unreadable he pulls you to press your body directly against his. “The things that I had thought were the reasons that made me fall for Cassandra were actually done by you. I have no attachment to Cassandra know that I know its always been you all along. The one I should have been looking for, the one I should have gotten the green light with.” Both of your breathing turns erratic as the tension is palpable between you. “I want to try things with you. I don’t know how everything will turn out but I want to give whatever this is a shot. If you’ll let me.”

He gives you as long as you need to try and compose yourself. He watches as your eyes flicker all over his face for any sense of dishonesty but you can’t find anything because there is none. You can only see the pure affection dripping out of his pores and gulp. Once you open your mouth to speak you are cut off by a familiar light gleaming on his face.

Green.

He manages to contain his shock, despite his declaration he makes no move to close the distance between you and does not speak a single word. You decide words are pointless now as you grip the back of his head and pull him into a deep kiss. He eagerly meets your enusastic kiss and wraps his hands around your waist to hold you close to him. After what feels like eternity the both of you pull away and stare deeply into each others eyes, not even noticing the green light fade away into black.

“Lets give it a try.” The two of grin like giddy children as you press your foreheads together. No more words are needed to be spoken at least for now. He’s sure once the two of you leave the sanctuary of the terrace there's going to be a storm inside the villa but for now he can enjoy the peace and quiet alone with you.

[jacks-little-jacky]

Heyheyhey!! Anon here again! Do you mind writing a scenario in which Jack’s crush absolutely adores adopting children (I’m not talking about one or two, I’m talking about an ’army’ of them, like, 6/7) ?

Like, those kids are incredibly fond of him to the point that in the future they accidentally call him ’dad’? (maybe you can end it with some smut, with Jack offering them another sibling 👀) (IM SO SORRY, THIS HAS BEEN ON MY MIND FOR SO LONG AND I’VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK FOR A LONG TIME, BUT IVE NEVER MET ANOTHER JACK SIMP BEFORE— I HOPE I CAN REQUEST AGAIN SOON, I ADORE YOUR WRITING!!❤️❤️❤️)

The Littlest Army | Jack x Reader

Okay so I ADORE Dilf! Jack. Sorry that this took so long but I'm getting back into this blog and I hope the quality is to your taste. Bon appetit.

Warnings: inappropriate use of children (Jack throws them), NSFW Under The Cut! Everything above is pretty SFW, breeding kink/unprotected yee-hawing, mention of pregnancy, I tried something new so idk

Jack has never seen this coming.

Never, in all of his 28 years of living has he seen himself as a father figure. Sure, leading a Squad that accepted 15-year-olds sometimes made him somewhat of a caregiver. More or less.

He didn't see himself as the domestic type. He could handle the young recruits, they were his subordinates after all. Of course, they were teenagers, but there still was this distance. Professionalism, as little as Jack would bring it with him at least.

Jack wasn't one to settle down, have children and drink tea in his little cottage by a lake. No, that wasn't him. Or so he thought.

Until he met you.

A pretty thing, how couldn't he notice you? Always smiling, waving at the Magic Knight with the two little bundles next to her knees.

He never meant for this to happen.

But the preparations for the Royal Knights Exam came up and everbody was oh so busy. So busy that the Captains would come from their high horses and take over the boring patrols and mediocore missions so their knights would have further time to train.

And Jack always was a working bee, anything that was preventing him from sitting hours in his office going through reports and filing documents about broken equipment and whatnot was good to him.

Really, with the way he was patrolling almost each day the cities around his base location he shouldn't be suprised he picked up on people there. He wasn't unobservant, he just didn't care most of the time.

But after almost two weeks he knew the names of the baker and the lady who spilled coffee in a rush on him. He knew the names of some children he saw running around, learning them from their mothers yelling after them. The names of some of the nuns taking care of the orphans too.

And of course, you. Sweet, temptating, captivating you.

Always running around, helping the nuns. Always running around, bumping into him. Always running around, never leaving his mind.

It was unfair. A sick kind of joke the universe played on him. But how was he supposed to resist? Resist you and your kind smile, your little giggle, and the way you'd bat your eyelashes at him. The way you silently pleaded for him to take the cookies the kids made for him.

And he did, lowering on his knees slowly while staring into your eyes. His golden eyes only leaving your captivating eyes when his knees hit the ground and he redirected his gaze to the actual kids around him.

They were loud, tugging at his robe and shoving the cookies almost into his face. He cracked a little smile, before giving in and laughing. Ruffling their hair and taking cookies, biting a chunk off and praising how good they were.

Asking if they had any help. Which of course, he knew they had. His eyes darted to you when they started laughing, telling him about how you helped with the baking but they did all the decorating themselves! Such proud little bundles of joy, cheering your name.

It made something in his stomach churn.

The way your proud eyes sparkled, the way your plump lips spread into this stupid smile that had his heart aching. How you watched over them, even with him near.

At first, he didn't think he'd ever have a chance. With how much you helped the orphanage, Jack's working theory had been that you were in training maybe. Although you didn't wear the robes, the way you'd almost always be there when he passed on his patrol and the way the children often referred to you as a big sister or mother figure was evidence for itself.

He often wondered, about the two bundles that would always be around you. If those children were just especially attached to you, or if they even were your own in a way.

And of course, you two got talking. After all the kids were amazed to not only see a Magic Knight but a Captain regularly patroling their place! And you were just making sure, that he wasn't a danger to them, or that they didn't bother him too much.

Just making sure. Definitely not being interested in the tall commoner yourself. No, that would be ridiculous.

It didn't take long for Jack to figure out that you were not really one of the sisters who worked at the orphanage. But your two adoptive kids were close friends with some of the kids there. So they'd get to see their friends and hang out and you did your part in the community. You just liked kids, helping them and being around them.

Something Jack, oddly enough, has come to appreciate more and more with every visit he paid you guys.

He soon found out that you didn't only have two kids, but four. A ridiculous amount if you ask him, not that you do but he tells you that anyway.

Oddly enough, with his attitude, you would've thought he'd start backing off. The subtle flirtatious, the little touches that lingered a bit too long. A single mother wasn't held in the highest regard in the Clover Kingdom. You didn't care, of course, you chose to take in these kids and were planning for more.

But Jack did not back off. In fact, he slowly started seeing why you liked these brats so much. Even if it was just because they never failed to make you smile in a way that nothing else could at first. Still, he worked himself up with these children. From the little awkward encounters at first, he worked his relationship with these kids up to ruffling their hair and occasionally carrying them, throwing them up, and catching them. You had to reprimand him multiple times that it was dangerous. What if a little one slipped from his hands and got hurt?

It didn't stop it though, even if he wanted to listen he couldn't with the way he got begged by some of these brats. The little ones loved sitting on the shoulders of the tall man, he just... wasn't refusing it. And of course, you did not miss the way his eyes hushed to catch yours each time, silently seeking approval.

Neither of you could really grasp it.

Jack felt a pull towards you and he couldn't resist it. And although you denied it, you could feel it too. The way your eyes would meet although you weren't even talking with each other, the way you'd know when he'd come by each day. How he'd make the kids laugh and amaze them, acting, unlike his brash and brutal reputation with the little ones in your care. The way his tongue would brush against his lips whenever he heard your little laugh.

You were irresistible to him. And so was he. It was like there was an invisible string connecting you two. It wasn't visible, hell it wasn't reasonable, but there was this clear pull toward each other and you could only try to resist for so long.

So long. Until it snapped.

Lips crashed into yours, you weren't even sure how or why it was happening but you found yourself in the arms of one of the most powerful men of the Clover kingdom.

The children's laughs and yells from playing some game faded into the background as your fingers dug into the fabric of his robe. His big hand was caressing your cheek and fingers tangling into your hair. A gasp crawled out your throat at the sensation of his teeth nibbing onto your lower lip.

It was warm. So warm.

Your breath was heavy after your lips separated, feeling like he had just kissed the air right out of you. A smile spread onto his lips, that wide, proud smile that just promised trouble.

"I figured...", his raspy voice spoke up. His face was still so very close to yours that you could feel his warm breath hitting your lips. "What?", you asked. The smile creeping on your face couldn't be more obvious. "Figured you might... need... some help with your kids?" Jack suggested in a hushed voice.

"I'm quite alright with them.", you stated amused. Jack's teeth bit down onto his lower lip ever so slightly, a gesture you probably would've missed if not for the close proximity. "But... I might need help when I get the next ones....", You whispered.

Jack's eyes visibly lightened up, the golden pool of honey gazing down at you. "Even more?" He asked, voice quiet with disbelief. "Of course. I still have plently room in my heart. And at home. I want a big family, so beware...", you whispered.

Your heart was pleading he'd be fine with it. Knowing his reputation, he probably wouldn't be. But Jack had surprised you more than once already and you'd hope he would do it again now too. You wanted him, but you still had your priorities. Your family, and the wish to extend it was more important than a little crush.

Even if it didn't feel like just a little crush.

You could hear the tall man gulp quietly before placing his lips upon you again, the kiss was shorter, softer. Your lips responded softly to his, mind easing a little that he wasn't running.

"I might have to start numbering them if you get any more..." Jack joked quietly against your lips and it actually made you laugh. He wasn't against it, he just found the amount of children one woman would adopt ridiculous. Like everybody else, just that he was offering to try it. With you. All of you, even the family.

Jack was a ridiculously good partner. The reputation he had was nothing like how you knew him. Yes, he was a little crazy, a brute but he also was the best guy you've dated.

He cared for the kids, to the point the name "Dad" slipped more than once before it really was official. When it was, your children were almost happier than you. They liked the captain, loved how he'd take them on little trips whenever you needed a pause. Or the way he made their mother laugh so cheerfully at his jokes, although they didn't always understand them. They will, when they're older, you tell them.

After you and Jack became official you adopted two more children and they were the first ones to meet Jack as their Dad, not as the awkward man stumbling out of their home half-dressed some mornings. He was a bit scared at first, own children, adopting them with you and being their legal guardian from day one felt... odd.

He never saw himself there. He thought it just was not for him. Until you.

Jack even suggested tying the knot before you, if you'd like that. He loved your kids like they were his own. Hell, they were his now. And if he rushed away after a meeting just to pick them up from visiting friends or anything he was used to the stares. After all, the magic knight captains weren't exactly unknown.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children weren't home, it was a rare day that the house was so quiet. Your little bundles of joy were at a birthday party with some of the children which gave you the rarer occasion of relaxing with your boyfriend.

Boyfriend. It still gave you a tingling feeling to think about it. How far you've come with him. It did not feel like you two had been together for that long, but you have.

A while back he was just a stranger doing his patrol and now he was the legal father of two from your six children. And that was only legal, the others still called him Dad. You never had thought this could happen, that you'd end up in bed with Jack the Ripper. Your back pressed against his chest as you cuddled up on the bed, spooning.

His fingertips ghosted over your hips. You couldn't remember a moment in the last weeks when you could just lie down with him and relax without anything interrupting you. As you closed your eyes you decided just to relax and ease into the touch, you deserved it. The gentle touches, the way his hand was brushing over your side and stomach.

His slender fingers traced your figure so delicately but with just enough pressure to spread pleasurable tingles across your body. The way he increased the pressure, kneading your flesh softly before his fingers continued his mindless search, fingernails sending goosebumps all across. It was causing your mouth to let loose the softest moans. His hands were warm and big, and he knew just where you liked to be touched, how you liked to be touched.

One of his hands crept up your stomach, cupping one of your tits and gently kneading there too. The sensation causes you to buck your hips back into his, your ass rubbing against his growing erection. The deep rasp of a low laugh was ringing in your eyes. His lips nipped and kissed at the nape of your neck. His lips turned up into a cocky smile as he heard the little muffled sound spilling from your lips.

Jack was slow, taking his time. No matter how often his hands would explore your body, he'd never tire of it. Although there was a thought stuck in his head. How you'd look with his child, how happy he could make you.

He bit his lip a little, trying to imagine how it would be for the little ones to get another playmate. And how you'd look, plump tits full of milk and your body getting more plush and soft. How happy he could make you, picking out names and going shopping. Having a little girl or boy that looked just like you running around the house.

And of course, he thought about how it would be to make this theoretical child. Definitely one of his favorite parts of this idea.

How your tight cunt would squeeze around his cock for everything he got. How it would be to go in raw and feel your sweet walls engulf him, squeeze and milk him. How you'd moan for him, how nice and deep he'd fuck you. Nice and deep, he would make sure it takes.

You turned your head to face Jack, your lips puckered a little and Jack did not waste a second to give you the kiss you silently asked for. His breath was heavy, his nose nuzzling against yours as he was claiming your lips with eager. It was one of the things you loved about Jack, his eagerness, his need to please. He wasn't a man who half-assed.

"I have an idea...", he mumbled with his mouth close to your ear. "Oh?" Your voice was a little amused as your hand reached back into his hair. Another sloppy kiss was shared before Jack laughed against your lips huskily.

"How about another brat, keke?" His question was voiced with lust, tone sultry making it oh too obvious what his intentions were even before he ground his hard cock against your ass. Your lips turned upwards in a little grin as you pressed back against him. "Oh?", you asked before laughing a little, "I thought I was insane for building a little army, as you have put it?"

"Let's make it a strong one." He whispered to your ear, his hands wandering to places they wouldn't belong in any more public space. "I promise I'll give you a strong addition.", he purred in your ears. A wide smile crept over his face as your sweet moans reached his ears. His fingers shamelessly toying with your clit. "I bet your brats would like another sibling."

"They probably would...", you agreed between heavy breaths. Your lips crashed against his again, your kisses eager and sloppy. Jack couldn't help but grin against your lips at the way you moaned into the kiss, his fingers wandering lower. Your slick collecting on his fingers before he pushed inside.

Jack's fingers were long, strong, and precise. His ring and middle finger worked on easing in and out your tight entrance, curling them to reach just the spot that had you bucking back into him. His thumb was still drawing sloppy and lazy circles on your clit while his mouth nipped and kissed on your throat, leaving little hickeys and marks.

He was impatient, hungry for you. His soft pace soon turned sloppy and fast, his cock rubbing against your ass through his pants. He responded to your moans with his own, your kisses getting messy, lips smashing against each other urgently.

His cock was throbbing in his pants, straining against the fabric and begging to be freed. To be engulfed in your sweet, slick walls instead of this fabric. His tongue was pushing out his mouth to get a taste of you, sweet, slutty moans that matched yours rolling off his lips.

"Can't wait to fuck you." He whispered shakingly, the pace of his fingers was still going, it was messy but unrelenting. "Then don't," you moaned against his lips.

In an instant, his hands retracted from your pants. His tall body crept over you, not even a minute after your clothes were discarded on the floor while Jack was making quick work of his own clothes. It was hot, and your vision was blurry, not like Jack felt any different from you. His vision was blurry and the only real point of focus was you.

Naked, spread out for him. Just for him. Ready to be devoured.

There was this insatiable hunger Jack felt every time he looked at you. It wasn't that bad at first, but it was there. But once you let him have a taste there was no turning back, he was hooked. Hooked on your body, your love. Hooked on you.

He grabbed your hips, pulling you closer with ease to align his length with your entrance. A gentleman, he teased you a little first, making sure his cock was covered in your juices and you were whining with your hole clenching around nothing for him. Such a gentleman, sinking his cock in slowly, making you feel every inch.

"Take me like a good girl, yeah?" He cooed at you, his lips turned upwards in a huge smile when he saw your face. You were so cute, red-faced, and heavily breathing. How could he ever resist you?

Your cunt was gripping him tightly, so tightly it was melting parts of his brain. He was only sinking in fully once and he already felt drunk off your pussy. Your sounds the sweetest thing he has ever heard.

He was breathing heavily, slowly sliding out and in, creating a rhythm that made you mewl with pleasure. Jack's eyebrows were furrowed as he tried his best, his very best not to lose his mind with the way your walls were pulsating around him and he could swear it was hypnotic or something. His kisses were sloppy and messy, hot breath coming out in short bursts.

It wasn't long after that the slow work-up did in fact not work for you two. Your sounds were loud enough to alert the neighbors, it was a good thing the kids were out. Jack couldn't control himself with the way he was fucking bullying his cock into your soaking cunt, loud squelching noises accompanied by the sound of his tight balls smacking against your ass over and over.

Your moans were lewd and loud, spilling into each other's mouths as your kisses were messy and full of tongue. Each thrust, each kiss full of lust, of desire for one another. The Captain rocked his hips into yours over and over again, his leaking cock nuzzling against all those places that had you in ecstasy. The heels of your feet digging into his lower back, trying to push him deeper.

It was almost animalistic, the way your bodies moved. His thrusts were sharp, hard, and fast. The sounds of your moans vibrating from the walls, the creaking of the bed, and the headboard slamming against the wall mixed with your voices creating a symphony of sin.

"I'm close, so close", you whined against his lips. Jack's grip on your hip tightened, his rhythm changing just a little to adjust his hip to slam in deeper, harder. Your fingers scratching his back and tugging at his hair was causing him to moan loader, to fuck into you more eagerly. His eyes were darting between your pleasure-struck face, a sight for the gods if he could say so himself, and the creamy white ring that built on the base of his cock.

"Good girl, such a pretty thing.", he praised between shaky breaths. A big grin plastered across his face, and one of his hands came up to cup your cheek. He made sure you'd look at him, basking in the sight of how flustered you got. Chest heaving and teary-eyed, a sight he'd never forget. His thrusts got harsher, forcing you to look at him while your face twisted and contorted in pleasure. The coil in your stomach getting tighter and tighter, until it couldn't hold.

A loud moan escaped your lips, thighs shaking violently as your pussy clenches tightly around his length. The sensation was too much for the tall man, his moans becoming slightly more high-pitched as his hips stuttered, rhythm losing as he fucked himself into you more desperately. You were gripping him so tightly, your cum running along his length and dribbling down your legs and he couldn't compose himself. His hips rutted and ground into you with carnal need, chasing his high until he was spurting hot, sticky streaks of his release.

The tall man was still grinding his hip against yours after a few seconds, letting his orgasm wash over him before his arms gave out. He let himself fall on you, not his entire weight at once but he still wanted to stay there, on top of you, close to you, inside of you.

"Bloody hell", he laughed quietly, breath heavy as he peppered lazy kisses to your cheek. "You think it'll take?", he asked after a moment, rolling over and wrapping his arms around you. "I think it's a little early to say", you replied amused. Jack nodded understandingly.

"Then we should just keep repeating this until we have confirmation."

[lordgeneralsix]

ok... so I have finally finished veilguard after about 90 painful hours (two playthroughs). im not gonna write an actual review about all of my detailed thoughts bc it'll actually take days, this is just to at least get my general thoughts out and see if anyone else feels the same or if ive actually lost it.

overall it is the weakest dragon age game story-wise, and I'd give it a nice lukewarm 4/10.

(i wrote this post right after I finished the game on the weekend so maybe I sound a bit harsh, I tried to edit it to be more reasonable lol but I didn't really want to delete this since I do still stand by a lot of this)

I really tried to go in with an open mind, bc I always want to experience media in full before making any kind of judgement, but about a few hours in I had this horrible feeling that once again this was another soulless, rushed game, and I still don't feel any different after finishing the game.

what stuck out to me was that there's no sense of urgency despite what the plot is, serious topics are not treated with care as the writing overall is shallow, and the gods as well as any other enemy you encounter are just cartoon villains (and apparently the lore retconning, but I'm not well-versed enough to dissect that so I won't).

I can't take this plot seriously when it feels so disjointed and forced and lazy. and I see no point in caring about anything when choices literally don't matter. no say in who you recruit, no say in the relationships with them and they have almost no awareness of rook, definitely doesn't matter if you have allies or not bc they show up anyway, and only four companions are locked into unavoidable decisions where one of them bites the dust no matter what (which is strange bc why are harding and davrin forced to die no matter if they're at hero status while bellara and neve can literally survive blight if they're at hero status), so it's impossible to try to strategize for better (or worse) outcomes with all the people you've gathered when there's only one right answer that the game pretty much tells you instead of letting you think for yourself (and side note this game does an incredible amount of hand holding). the game actively tries to trick you into thinking your choices matter with the onscreen notifications, but nothing matters bc the devs clearly had only one story in mind and for some reason lied that it had "complex choices".

also rook in general wasn't interesting as a protagonist bc they were written to be perfect. they always know what to say and are so supportive of everyone. they never struggle with anything. not even with leadership beyond "man leading a team is hard :/" but it doesn't actually show how hard it is by having actual volatile conflict between the companions* or showing how their plans sometimes fail. which, if we actually had choices that mattered, would have helped develop that struggle. also? what's with everyone being so friendly? I'm not gonna get into that but everyone is so eerily nice and it's been said a lot but yeah, the world is extremely sanitized and devoid of any real conflict aside from the gods I guess.

*(like off the top of my head cassandra fighting with varric and accusing him of not being on their side or how the inquisitor can literally punch dorian and solas if approval is low enough or fenris and anders bordering on killing each other is not the same as lucanis and davrin distrusting each other or people being uncomfortable with emmrich's necromancy. it just scratches the surface of conflict and never goes anywhere)

and let me say real quick again, there's nothing wrong if they wanted to make a more rigid story about being a hero. it's been done a million times and it can be executed well, but if you do that you need to make sure you 1) don't lie to people and 2) actually flesh out your (especially main) characters and plot to give people a reason to care. look at dragon age 2. hawke is a fixed protagonist with their own life front and center. they ultimately only have two choices (siding with mages or templars), but it works bc the game took time to build up the conflict straight from act 1 so by the time chaos happens in act 2 and 3 you understand why bc it's Been brewing the whole time. it just makes sense. the villains as well have sound reasons and feel real instead of being evil just bc. the story is more grounded, yet you have choices. you decide if hawke ends up alone or not. you decide how they approach situations with force or diplomacy. there's none of that in veilguard. a game that supposedly took 10 years to make. when dragon age 2 took almost 16 months (yes I know da2 also has problems like the fact that the templars are always proven right but this isn't the place to dissect that).

I want to be fair though and I do want to restate what I enjoyed about the game. the cc (though would it kill them to have more variety in face textures like age and body types beyond average.. also no colour wheel... especially since they claimed their cc was so good), the map progression/visuals/exploration (how certain places become more blighted overtime), the factions (though I feel there should have been more content for your faction, and helping them or not should have mattered more), the combat (did not feel like a slog, pretty fun and mindless), the companions (bellara, davrin, emmrich, harding, and lucanis had solid personalities and stories despite my complaints. neve was not memorable and I just feel sad for taash's bad writing), certain parts of the story were good, the intro and the point of no return sequences were solid, and the ending didn't feel rushed or boring compared to inquisition. and yes, I do appreciate that rook can be trans, I just think a little more subtly and care would've been nice.

another thing I did like and predicted was that varric died at the beginning of veilguard, and for a second I actually enjoyed that because i thought we were finally (a bit too late tho) getting some depth to rook and their own struggles of accepting his death and carrying this weight without him. and while I do think maybe they should've taken more time to establish the mentor/mentee relationship so we really feel rooks regret, I still think it was at least the right direction where in their grief they still see him, giving advice and narrating their journey.....but then it turned out to just be solas manipulating them the whole time, immediately destroying any emotional weight this reveal had.

whenever bioware has good ideas they shoot themselves in the foot and make it about solas. it's like nothing in the world exists without solas being involved somehow, and that is just incredibly boring and uninspired to me. not to mention solas just being an insufferable ass the whole time, which is fine, but it's not even in a compelling way like he used to be. he became so ugly by the end and the fact that the devs consider redeeming him the "good ending" and not giving him what he deserves is very telling and once again shows their own bias is king over good storytelling (solas' feelings should not come into play here, whether you/your companions live or die should determine good/bad ending since solas is trapped no matter what, only difference is who is trapped with him. idk but I personally think different endings actually means different outcomes). i will not go into the bs of the secret post credit scene, bc frankly I'm fed up with bioware's shitty writing and I won't be playing their next world ending space aliens game (unless they miraculously pull a good story out of their ass but lbr).

overall the bad outweighs the good for me. it's fun to play as a game, it's a decent fantasy game, but the story just doesn't do anything for me. sometimes I wonder if dreadwolf was a completely different game and was scrapped for veilguard last minute. maybe this was yet another inevitable industry fuck up and maybe there was a good story planned at one point. idk. all I know is bioware lied. respect and credit to the poor devs and writers who actually cared and to those who were kicked from the project, but in the end bioware promised too much and delivered too little.

[spacesymbol]

heyyyyy. crazy month and a half, am i right? 😅

my sincerest apologies for the truckload of reblogs.... plus even more sincere apologies if i reblogged a very old post of yours that you forgot about 😭

ive had those sitting in my drafts for a WHILE so that they wouldnt get drowned in my likes.... but i have some weird mental hangup about posting here without also posting a Life Update..... but i kept procrastinating actually writing a Life Update..... so here we are!!

anyways. that being said. LIFE UPDATE TIME!!!!! (no cut since theres actually some very important stuff in here)

first and somewhat foremost, i submitted SEVEN college applications exactly a month ago. for context, my entire applying list (as of right now) is only nine schools. and i procrastinated SO HARD on the application materials.... it was soooo bad. basically mid october to early november was the most stressed i have ever felt in recent memory 😁👍 and i coped with it soooo well, as i historically always do (sarcasm)

the fall play(s) also recently came and went!!! the rehearsal process wasnt that bad, it was moreso just anxiety provoking since i was constantly saying "yeah it (the show) will come together eventually" even when opening night was a few days away... but the show(s) did come together!! at least, my two scenes did. i honestly can't speak for anyone else, but my scenes both went fine during all three performances with minor errors, if any

although, the week of performances and the last few days of tech was so very brutal. i had to be in the theater until 8pm or later every single day of that week (november 18th to the 23rd), which meant i was in school for over twelve hours each school day. i had to put a lot of things on the backburner to focus on the show (and not losing my mind) that week, and schoolwork was one of them.... so i am currently once again in overdue assignments hell. my classes have been fine other than that though!!!

my mental, emotional, and physical health also definitely have been on the backburner for a WHILE now.... a wonderful example is how i havent seen my therapist in two months now, and for context, im supposed to see her once a week!!! so im clearly doing fine (sarcasm). its weird though, the play honestly wasnt that distressing for me, since i had already hit mental rock bottom earlier that month because of college applications

my physical health has also Not Been Good at all.... one of my scenes in the play (the gay one) involved a shit ton of stage falls.... and our stage is made of polished wood. we took all the necessary precautions to protect my bad knee (knee pads), but that didnt do much to prevent the ridiculous amount of bruising all over my body that i still have a week after the final show.....

eating has also been Bad. but i wont go into details about that 🫶 ive been able to keep having regular appointments with my dietitian, so genuinely dont worry about that. i will be fine!!

ive also been like. mentally checked out for a while, i guess. like i mentioned, ive been doing some research into dissociative disorders and symptoms to get more clarity on if im a system or not (which i do have an answer on btw), and i think the best term to describe it is depersonalization?

and uh. okay this is actually really important. about the system thing, i came to the conclusion after a LOT of research and self reflection that i do not think i am (or ever was) a plural system. i dont think i should post the entire esaay i wrote on how i came to this conclusion (because i dont think most of you want to read all that). but if any mutuals want, i am MORE than happy to dm the whole explanation, since i know it might raise some eyebrows that i suddenly dont identify that way anymore

however, the tldr is that im pretty sure i have dissociative amnesia instead, because i never once experienced amnesia between the personas that i thought were alters, and these personas were never really that separate from me, moreso extensions of me in terms of personality, if that makes sense. there were also some.... quirks of how my "system" operated that also made me suspicious, like how i was basically always frontstuck, and how my "frequent fronters" ALWAYS aligned with my interests at the time. i honestly think that i only arrived at the conclusion that i was a system in the first place because of the environment i was in at the time (the majority my friends at the time had the system realization and were talking about it), and the fact that no one ever really questioned me being one. which im NOT saying that i wish people had, since thats rightfully a very rude thing to do, but i definitely would have benefited from someone kindly calling all that into question, yknow?

the biggest takeaway though, should be that i didnt know until very recently. there is a world of difference between intentionally lying about being a system, and unknowingly being wrong about being a system. the MOMENT i started to suspect that i was wrong, i made it known here (in the previous Life Update) and on twitter, and i refrained from using any system terminology for myself until i came to a definitive conclusion, which i only did recently. additionally, i recently removed the system section from my pronouns dot cc, and my simplyplural account is still up, but obviously not in use

ummm. other personal updates.... im hopefully going to start legal and medical transition soon?? my stepsister (also trans) has been pushing my mom and stepdad for it as a result of the election, which sparks the conversation for me by extension

as you can probably tell by the majority of the recent reblogs, the release of season 2 reawakened my dormant arcane hyperfixation 😭 it somehow came back even stronger??? if any of you happen to remember my jayvik posting from november 2021, you deserve a spacesymbol elders discount....

what else..... oh um!!!! i had an awesome joe cool (snoopy) costume for halloween this year that i made extremely last minute :)

okay. okay!!!!!!! in terms of the future!!!! im on thanksgiving break right now until this tuesday and the break is Extremely welcome.... the spring musical (aka my final high school theater show) has already been announced, and its curtains, which should be exciting, but i dont have to think about that for a While....

in terms of like Immediately upcoming things, my schools robotics team has our first qualifier coming up so im gonna have to lock in on preparing for that soon.... for college stuff, i should be getting two decisions fairly soon (one from my early decision school and one from a rolling deadlines school), and i have two more applications for early january, but all i really have to do for them is finish writing their supplements..... so HOPEFULLY i should be slightly more active on here??? i feel like every time i say that i end up jinxing myself for inactivity, though. so honestly, who knows!!! but i dont really have as much of a Pressing Reason to not be active here, i guess

thats all.... jesus fuck i wrote a lot. my bad!!! no wonder i procrastinated writing this GODDAMN!!!!

[grape-icing]

hi!! could you write a short story thingy between cg! roxy and regressor! dave? platonic ofc!!! i think roxy would act as a mother figure to dave!!! maybe dave comes over to roxys for a playdate for the first time, and he’s a little nervous to be so vulnerable around someone for the first time!! idk, you can take whatever creative liberty you want with it!! :)) thank you!!

HAIIII IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG!!! IVE HAD TESTING ALL WEEK AND I HAD NO IDEAS!!! SORRY IN ADVANCE IF ITS BAD!!! I'll also post this on ao3 :33333

Actual story!!

Dave was pretty nervous about John's doctor's appointment because he knew John would call a babysitter. Which was fine he supposed due to the fact he already told everyone about his regression but he hadn't been watched by anyone else before. Bluh!!! Even the thought of it made him anxious. Dave curled up next to John, filled with worry.

“Something worry bud?” John questioned the sudden movement of the younger boy.

“Uh no” Dave replied which was a lie because he didn't want John to get worried and potentially miss his appointment. Although now that Dave thought about it….

Well never mind, the mystery babysitter was here. Dave really hoped it wasn't someone in his family.

“Oh! That must be her.” John got up and raced towards the door.

“Hiya Roxy!” Dave was doomed, why did it have to be his mom? Sister? thing of all people, well at least it's not Dirk.

“Ok, so he knows where everything is and stuff. Uh, am I missing anything? Oh, his favorite juice is in the fridge. Shoot I'm already late! Okay got to go, bye Dave I love ya!” John quickly left.

“Hai Davey!” Roxy announced. Dave turned away.

“Oh um okay. Do you want to watch a movie or play or….uhm…do something?” Roxy questioned, trying to get him to do anything.

“No,” Dave said quick and bluntly.

“You don't wanna do…anything like at all? Not even a movie?” Roxy walked over and sat right beside him.

“I- uhm sure, I guess,” Dave replied not trying to hurt his mother's feelings. Dave didn't actually know if Roxy considered herself his mother but she didn't mind being called “Mom” so maybe.

“Good!! So whatcha wanna watch honey?” Roxy reached over to grab the remote.

“Uhm I'm not sure, maybe Octonauts? You can pick if you want though.” Dave said in a softer voice than earlier.

“Nah, Octonauts work!” Roxy quickly put the show on and wrapped an arm around Dave, which he wiggled and squirmed his way out of.

After around 20 minutes Roxy suggested they go outside and get some fresh air which Dave very nervously said yes to.

“Need any help getting your shoes on, baby?” Roxy asked while bending down to him.

“no” Dave stated. Roxy saw right through the lie and helped him tie his shoes.

“Uh m-mom,” Dave muttered.

“Hm? What is it pumpkin?” Roxy questioned as she finished trying the younger one's shoes.

“Nothing much. I was just wondering if it was hot outside.” Dave asked while standing up.

“Oh yeah, it's going to be very hot, perfect for playing!” Roxy said cheerfully while grabbing her purse to leave.

“Oh” whined Dave.

“Is something wrong muffin?” Roxy asked due to the tone of his voice. “If you don't want to play that's okay, we can get ice cream if you want!”

“I want um ice cream, please” Dave followed Roxy onto the front steps.

“Alrighty! We can totes do that, I think there's an ice cream place right around here.”

Roxy carefully held his hand the entire walk home, which Dave thought was nice. After about five minutes of walking, they made it to the ice cream parlor.

“Look! We're here!” Roxy bumped Dave on the shoulder to draw his attention.

“Mhm,” Dave quietly followed his mother over to the counter to order their ice creams.

“Okay I'll have one strawberry ice cream and, what do you want Dave?”

“Uhh cookies and cream please.”

After the two got their ice cream they started to walk back home.

“Hey Rox, do ya know um when dad is going to be home?”

“Yeah, he has to run some errands so it might be another hour or two. Don't worry though! Me and you will have loads of fun.” Roxy reassured him that the time would fly by and she'd be out in no time.

“It's okay if you don't want me to stay. I'm not mad I promise.” Roxy gently stoked his hair.

“N-no I don't want you to leave I just don't want you to uhmm never mind.” Dave quickly cut himself off before starting to try and speed-walk home.

“Dave baby slow down. You can tell me anything! I wouldn't say a peep to anybody, not even John!” Dave hit a full stop when she said that.

“Uhm well that was kinda it, I don't want you to go and talk about me to like, I don't know, Rose or Dirk?” Roxy turned to Dave and pulled him into a hug.

“I would never do that, but I can understand why you would think that. Hehe, I talk a bunch so it's reasonable.”

Dave and Roxy stood, embraced in that hug for at least a minute straight before going back to walking again.

Once the two of them returned to the house Roxy decided it would be best just to stay home due to the heat instead of playing outside. Roxy put Dave’s show back on before realizing he was probably still hungry.

“Hey sweet pea, you hungry?” Dave silently nodded. While Roxy went to cook him something, Dave slowly moved over to where he kept all of his little items but started to hesitate, finally, he picked up his bottle.

“Whatcha messing with Dave?” Roxy asked, coming into the room to check on him.

“Uh n-nothing?” Dave squealed out as he quickly shoved what he was holding behind his back.

“Are you sure? Because that didn't seem like nothing?” Roxy questioned as she got closer. “What’s behind your back, Dave?”

“Nothing like I said!” Dave said in an elevated tone, leaning away from her, trying to conceal what was behind him.

“Dude, I need to see what's behind you so I can make sure it’s nothing dangerous.” Roxy pulled his arms away from his back, which was surprisingly easy.

“Pumpkin if you wanted a drink you could have just asked. I'll bring it when I bring your food. I'll be right back!” Roxy placed a small kiss on his forehead and went back to the kitchen.

While Roxy was in the kitchen she quickly filled up his bottle with the apple juice in the fridge, Grabbed his food, and made her way back into the living room. When she got there she handed him the plate.

“Um, thanks” Dave muttered while eating a big spoonful.

“Of course!” Roxy answered.

“Oh, wait! Here’s your bottle, sweetie.” Roxy handed him his cup and sat down beside him. Dave mumbled something inaudible and shoved it where it couldn’t be seen due to him being embarrassed by it. Which obviously confused Roxy.

“You okay little dude? I saw you hiding your drink, any reason for it? if it’s because of me, you don't gotta worry, I don't care whatcha do as long as you’re not getting hurt or making a mess.” Roxy moved closer so she was basically right against Dave’s back, She gave him a small hug from behind. Dave leaned into her warm embrace and cautiously reached for his bottle, looking over at Roxy to make sure she wouldn't judge him or anything like that. Roxy planted a small kiss on his head as he finally started to drink his juice. After around twenty minutes Roxy pulled a blanket over him as soon as she realized he was asleep.

“Hey! I'm back!” John announced, getting cut off by a loud “shhh!!” from Roxy.

[melancholiaenthroned]

ok its been a few hours here r my absolute batman thoughts...

starting off with what immediately stood out: that man is not blond. we have spent weeks either bemoaning or defending blond bruce wayne, only for him to appear, not blond. when was the choice to unblond him made? neither of his parents are blond, perhaps then? he also doesnt appear to have his gay little dog, but he havent seen much of his home life so im still holding out hope.

the first thing i will say that jumped out to me, and something ive already commented on, is how much of a scott snyder batman book this feels like. which it is, but god i missed this feeling. snyder writes batman a bit more lone wolfy than other writers, but with a very well defined ensemble cast when the need arises. snyders alfred is one of the only ones ive ever actually had, like, any opinions or feelings on, and so having him (even a very different version of him) star in the opening issue feels right. speaking of snyders alfred -- julia! julia mention, julia graduation photo! julia:-) seeing alfred call her in one of the first pages was my first sigh of relief like oh were gonna be okay... theyre estranged, which makes sense considering any alfred but especially this one, but i do wonder why/for how long considering alfred does appear to have been at her college graduation, and i assume shes around the same age as bruce.

bruce who, speaking of, is 24 and born in... 2004. setting this comic in 2028 but also! thats fucked up! what do you mean batman is the same age as me? that gives me four years to bulk up and learn how to do. whatever bruce did with that massive gun to make it "non lethal" (comic books....). its very weird to have a gen z batman but also makes sense considering snyder said this book represents more his thoughts on the mindsets of his children rather than his own (as was the case for his original batman run). bruce is an idealistic young person now! with young person friends... also weird to think that in this universe, killer croc, the penguin, two face, and catwoman were probably also born in the 2003-2005 range (they appear to have been childhood friends, i assume they went to the same school and were maybe also at the zoo that day?).

this is disorganized and i dont have a transition into this section but: the main "twist" of the issue, which i was not expecting at all. martha is alive. bruce lost his father, but he never lost his mother. it makes sense why he seems a little more idealistic (or maybe thats just Alfred's pov skewing events), he really does have like. a whole life. he has friends and a mother and a job, hes not a sad boy left alone in a manor. really not much to say about this considering its only the first issue, but im really excited to see where it goes. it does make this batman feel a little like superman in an interesting way. hes a lot more ingrained in the city by working a job that actually touches its core, hes a mamas boy, he (or at least his social circle) is involved enough in local politics to be going to town hall meetings. and of course. his main villain appears to be this weird ultra rich guy...

which leads me to other main snyder-ism of the issue: we gotta get the joker in here, and he is NOT funny. in classic snyder fashion the joker is SERIOUS now. he wears muted colors and never laughs and is a brunette (which could all change when/if he gets dumped in acid).i really wasnt sure if he was gonna do it, after all snyder has already pretty extensively covered the joker in his old run, and while i think hes literally the best joker writer ever, i wasnt sure if hed been interested in tackling the character in what is essentially a new batman origin. but here he is! and the tables are turned -- bruce is friends with all the jokers old compatriots, and the joker is alone and insanely rich. i honestly really have no idea what to expect from this plot going forward, obviously the current focus is black mask and his gang, but its clear the joker is going to have some part to play. im excited about it, im not one of the people who dislikes joker stories on principle and i was really hoping for snyder to introduce him into this world so its a win for me if nothing else.

anyway! not sure how to conclude this, but these are my thoughts! its been a while since ive been this excited for a bat run, and this will probably be the only thing keeping me going for a while considering weve got tom taylor on tec now. but god. im just so happy. remember being excited about batman comics? if any of u guys read absolute batman plsss lmk what u thought...

[hpdfag]

oh my god HII!! i’m back from my break and i’d say i’m actually feeling much better :) how have you been??

thank you for sending something! i promise that you don’t even need to but i was really happy you did even then, it just feels so nice that you put some time into it :} also SEVEN HOUR SHIFTS??? what the fuck are they doing to these poor seventeen sixteen year olds at mcdonald’s oh my god. i’m sure it’s incredibly exhausting?? i mean i don’t know how i’d go through that! but i also feel like the idea of getting “adult money” is quite nice knowing most of our lives even 50 was a lot from our parents, so there’s that. make sure to take breaks to balance that because it looks EXHAUSTING?? And with school even then…at least this year will be shorter for you from what you said i mean!! So good luck managing those hours and school. I won’t lie i’m a bit proud? i hope this doesn’t sound condescending but i just feel happy that you’re doing this step and like…growing up. It’s just something incredibly difficult and complex in my eyes and seeing someone i care about actually do it makes me feel pretty happy with all honesty! I hope you understand what i mean :} i might write another message talking about what else you’ve wrote to me that i couldn’t answer earlier! but for now, i hope you’re doing fine even with the seven hour shifts :}

- 🧶

HIHIHI WELCOME BACK its so good to see you again!!! ive been doing alright, trying to manage work and life and school all at the same time is suck a nightmare v_v;; ive ended up kinda neglecting this account which is so sad cuz my feelings havent changed that much!! im just so tired all tha time ...

and of course of course !! id feel bad not leaving something, especially since i had you on my mind! it just made sense to say something, even if it wasnt a lot haha

and YEAG. YEAHHHGGGG. theyve been fuckinf BRUTAL, ive luckily(?) been out sick the past couple of days since i ran out of my antidepressant and your body does not appreciate going cold turkey on an SSRI at all LMAOAOOAOA ... now im just waiting for the manager to get back to me about my schedule for this week since im feeling msrginally better, i could probably finish a shift in my current state with a lot of caffeine, a zofran, and some ibuprofen LOLOL

and it definitely is nice!! most of the money im making im going to be putting in a savings account for college, since my student aid situation is a lot more confusing than i was expecting it to be .. im not entirely sure how our income is going to be calculated? since we get survivorship benefits after my father passed away, and because of the way that program distributes the money, different government programs count it differently, either taking all the money as a whole and counting it as my mom's income or cutting it up into three chunks and counting it as income for each member of my family.

its all so confusing and means i cant reasonably expect to get much help from the fafsa alone, so i need to save up my own money and start applying for scholarships ASAP!! i could go to community college for the first two years, and im even already accepted at the one nearby, but i'd much rather go to the same school for my full bachelors even if it'll be more expensive.. but who knows!! we'll find out eventually.

and don't worry it doesnt sound condescending at all! im really glad you are, ive been changing so much lately and i always worry that it'll alienate the people i care about, especially everyone ive met thru here </3 and it really means a lot to know you're proud of us !!

[broodsys]

venting abt creative woes feel free to ignore <3

it has been really hard for me to post art, both drawing and writing. it's not just about engagement/lack thereof or abt concrit or about anything in particular. i just get so caught up in comparisons and breaking things down and wanting to be objectively "better" at it and idk if i'm even enjoying it anymore.

sometimes i think seriously about stopping? i'd still create but. just for me. idk.

and im having mixed feelings about fandom in general. idk. it's late at night and it's been dark for too many hours and ik that's putting me in A Mood(tm) but it's still been! hard! and i get sad and frustrated and self-conscious all the time

it just feels like im out here putting my ugly shit next to everyone's polished pretty pieces. and ik, ik, two cakes, i've been trying to internalize that, but it's hard right now. i cannot stop thinking about the pretty fics ive read and i cannot stop being so fucking envious of them and it feels gross! like i should just appreciate them? they're lovely, mine doesn't have to and shouldn't be a replica, etc etc, all these things i know intellectually, but... ugh.

and it's extra frustrating bc i know ppl like my stuff, esp my writing. they do! they've said it! ppl who have no cause to lie to me, strangers, etc. but i just can't feel it and im so... envy demon has a fucking hold of me lmao.

might be circling back to the going too fast/pushing myself too hard thing again. but i've just been dealing with the constant undercurrent of severe frustration with everything i attempt. i try to shake it off but idk, if it's this consistent...?

ugh. idk. i've been going back and forth on this for a while. do i push through? do i try to drop my standards? do i just keep all my stuff to myself? unknown.

like, no matter what im finishing my bigfic. for me. but idk. should i even bother posting it? it's not... it's not about engagement. it's about the fact that i feel like the whole thing is just kinda... an embarrassment? like i cannot stop looking at it thru the most critical, least compassionate version of a potential audience and it's fucking with me so bad. when im writing i enjoy it, i think it's cool, i think it's good. but then i post it and after a while im just so embarrassed. i still think it's good! but it's still also embarrassing! i've worked hard for years to learn to trust my audience, to not spoon-feed them every bit of information and then follow it up with a quick confirmation just to make sure they're getting it, but now i feel like i'm being drawn back into that.

i read it. i've reread it a few times, in fact, for pleasure and not for editing. i love it? but im also so embarrassed by it whenever im not like... actively reading it. it's just disheartening.

idk. it's my personal baggage more than anything ig.

anyway im genuinely not asking for my ego to be stroked here or w/e, just- this has been weighing kinda heavily on me for quite a while. it's very frustrating.

[athene-studies]

k havin some trouble keeping out of The Ennui this past while and i realized i had 7 core values listed on my blog (listed on the little explore thing on my desktop theme as "live life on purpose • step off the path of least resistance • take care of myself • contribute to the community • get things done • always learn • appreciate beauty") sooo score thats a weekly challenge right there.

im just gonna start tomorrow (its the night of the 5th as i post this) since im lucky and my week isnt bounded by things like "weekdays". lets do them in order!

6. Tue - live life on purpose: to keep myself mindful I'm going to write down what I've done after every half hour of my day, plus im gonna plan out a couple things at certain points of the day and attempt to stick to those plans 7. Wed - dont get dragged back into my comfort zone: i do have a dentist appointment that day, but im going to also go to the library while im out, which ive been trying to do for a while but just never felt right. im going to wear a cute but maybe a bit weird outfit, and whenever i have an urge to do something (i should go read, i should cut up and eat an apple), im going to do it instead of succumbing to the Nah. ...also this isnt relevant to the daily challenge but i do need to pick up a prescription so im going to try to remember that 8. Thur - take care of myself: im going to try to do all of my self-care habits ive set up. most of them i do once in a while, but i havent managed to do all of them at once in a few weeks. so that means doing my workout, brushing my teeth, turning my phone off at 1 and reading instead for bedtime, making sure my laundry is put away... etc. this one's only a small part of the day but i guess that means its a good chance to rest lol 9. Fri - help others: its a terrible time of year to do things like volunteering, plus short notice, so im going to focus on chores around the house and donations and home political action, that sort of thing. maybe text my siblings to find out how theyre doing. 10. Sat - get shit done: i mean what else is there to say. at the beginning of my day im going to write down a list of things to get done (attempting to include things that are low on my priority list so just keep repeatedly getting pushed back, like calling my grandpa and working on a video edit) and see how much of it i can do. the slogan for the day is gonna be "if i think to myself 'yknow i could go do this thing' i fucking will" 11. Sun - learn: hopefully the rest of the week will have caught me up on my accounting course, but if not, id like to do that. after that, though, id like to set aside some time to read articles on things i care about but dont know much about, and do a lesson or two of language learning or coding or something. learning at my own pace isnt going very well so far considering "my own pace" is ✨stagnancy✨ 12. Mon - appreciate the world: not much else to note other than looking around myself more often. im pretty good at this one already. lets use it to mean "do hobbies"-- take an hour to do some writing, take an hour to do some music, drink a tea ive been keeping aside for a special occasion, idk

and i will let you know how that goes :)

[whereangelshide]

Hi again, I´m glad that you answered!

Honestly, I´ve been there, and it sucks because they´re people you care about and appreciate but aren´t doing the same so it is unfair but it´s not that easy to just stop, you know? Still, I would say that just means you need new friends, not that you should just "throw" the ones you already have lol (I mean you might but that´s up to you), but definitely consider them in a different level than a FRIEND friend. Because here´s the thing, I too am what can be considered needy, shit, I´m autistic man, so yeah, but I have (two) friends who I can be and who are back and everything feels reciprocated so it might just be a matter of time until you find that kind of thing for yourself

(Sorry if this comes out as like me giving you life lessons, I just tried to respond my best haha, I promise I can also be funny -kinda-)

Oh the exam thing, I totally get it, I´m about to go on vacation but I still have to go tomorrow even though it will only be a couple hours, but, again, I feel you, I just want to have free time to well be happy and ALSO think about kissing men. I´m currently writing a fanfiction where you guessed it, men kiss, so yeah, good stuff for the summer haha.

I´ve never heard of style savvy though (here space for infodumping if you want to lol). DUDE the struggle is real I wish I could kiss a boy also, but I don´t think it´s a bad thing that you haven´t had your first kiss yet, mine was with a guy who yes was my boyfriend but I didn´t wanted to kiss yet so it was awful (it was normal but I wish it was different) And the thing is that I was way more stupid back then and first kisses are always weird because everyone is nervous but if you have yours now then you can be a little bit more sure that it will be with someone you actually like and not just some dude, and while the first ever kiss might not always be the most important one, it´s one that people remember, so you have more control on you experience to remember (or at least that´s what I think)

I really don´t have a limit on what things or how much I would read lol, but I know I can write pretty heavy and also weird so (about that) the ball is on your court

-Fuck signatures I´m better as an abstract concept that can´t be contained by words

ofc i answered my dear anon <3 im that deprived of attention

sigh thats the thing theres nothing wrong with my current friends, just that i may be too needy for them dot dot dot. i have one (1) irl friend who pays me enough attention so shes always the exception to this but everyone else feel so unavailable to me. theyre always busy with shit. i have this one online friend (love her shes great) and she lowkey sucks at replying like girl i see that you're online. whats the hold-up. even when i text her abt smth she likes like ugh PAY ATTENTION !! im a great listener but not by choice . but yeah thats why ive been messing around in this game called webfishing. it's basically a fishing mmo and ive been chatting with some people there and trying to make new friends. it's nice but some people have horrid vibes lol

exams are sooooo lame but have fun on your vacation! and dude so real, im also a writer!! i have some original ideas for some m/m stories but obvi ive been held back by this stupid exam. but after that i'll be free to write all the gay shit i want YIPPEEEEEEEEE

oh style savvy is a fashion game franchise! it's my current fixation lmao. the first game released on the nintendo ds in 2008-2009 and my fictional husband is from that game lolz. it's SOOOOOO fun i'd recommend it to anyone regardless if they enjoy fashion games but i am into fashion so it's much more fun for me hehe. i love styling people and assembling outfits and stuff i find it so fun !! i wanna try more fashion games in the future :] then again maybe it's bc i grew up with them so i just love. them so much

oh man sorry to hear your first kiss sucked :( but yeah when ur young it's normal for things to be weird and stupid and even both sometimes. even rn i still have a lot of growing to do. and yeah, i want my first kiss to be somewhat special. like ive had a bf before but it was an online relationship so we didnt even meet in person or anything before he broke it off .. shouldve known better abt falling for an aromantic guy LMAO no offense to aros (i used to identify as one actlly) but obvi i was dumb for expecting him to magically become attracted to me

oh honey i have lots to yap abt but i'll restrict it to just this for now bc to be frank, this is not the best way to converse LOL but i wouldnt wanna pressure u to dm me, esp if u wanna remain as my abstract concept anon <3

[gabapentinblues]

journal update 2.22.2025

woke up really not wanting to be alive, waking up has been so horrible recently. the sun is out again so at least thats nice.

i drank three cups of coffee and wrote morning pages. all i ever write about is how miserable i am and how i dont want to be alive. im just embarrassed by how i feel and i miss my therapist and my therapy program so much.

i just ate a banana for breakfast and had a small lunch too. trying to get back on track and actually lose some weight. trying to access a compassionate voice to help me through it. like look your body is still going it has what it needs and youll feel better this way, youll be glad youre doing this. ive lost this amount of weight before, its just tiring to have to do it again. i did maintain for like two years though which is pretty good, cant believe how much i undid in like three months its insane.

might let myself cut tonight we'll see. i took some gabapentin but tbh i dont even feel it i just feel numb.

i put clothes away and tried to straighten up my room a little bit and i worked on some art projects a very little bit, now its just waiting for things to dry i dont have much else to do. once its nice outside later this week ill probably work on getting my things brought in from the garage, im not going to worry about it now.

i was really sad last night and texted my friends that i dont think anyone will ever not treat me badly if i get close to them and no one really replied or was supportive so i felt like i overstepped and they are just getting tired of me. i apologized this morning and my one friend said its not a big deal but i still feel like it is. i still feel unsupported and i dont know who im supposed to turn to or if i can express it to them that i feel this way.

no one is talking to me today and i just feel so alone. ugh and i literally just checked my phone and realized i missed my friends reply from like an hour ago. but the friends im worried about arent texting me and i really do just feel unwanted and angry. i just impulsively deleted the chat so i'll stop checking for a response. i feel like such a loser. i feel like no one respects me and i dont deserve it anyway.

i still get so upset everytime i think about my ex bc i swear theres no way i cross her mind. she obviously doesnt give a fuck about me or we would still talk, i tried everything to work things out between us and im so mad. why doesnt anyone want to stay with me i dont know what i do wrong or how im not finding the right kind of people who would stay. i dont know what im supposed to do. i feel on the verge of spiraling about this.

not hearing back from therapists has me feeling really bad too, i feel like ive been abandonded and no one is going to make sure im okay. i dont know how much longer i'll have to go without real therapy, but going from the amount of support i used to get to nothing has been really hard. i try to talk to my friends but i really dont have that many people i can talk to. my family just ignores me and wants all of this to just fix itself. theres no point in trying to talk to them.

im afraid to tell anyone how much i actually want to die and how little hope i have for the future. i pass the days doing barely anything, i hardly leave the house, i hardly have anyone to talk to, i just drink coffee and lay around on tumblr and sleep and read fanfiction and journal about how pathetic i feel in like three different diaries (including this), sleep some more, and sometimes work on art projects, i barely exist at all. i know i need to be doing more if i actually want to feel better but i dont know how to start. i like sleeping the days away and avoiding everything, part of me wants to see how long i can get away with it.

[pndingnme]

helloooooo im using this blog as a way to voice my thoughts and stuff mkstly because i kinda hope it wont be seen. if somebody is reading this thi have fun being nosy :3.

I'm pretty sure my last post was me bemoaning being alive or whatever, I'm doing better now i think but it's hard.

I'm tempted to just start whinging again but too much of that can only do so much.

ive been job hunting for a while now and it sucks but ive got a roof over my head which is more than most so yeah.

I had been helping out a friend with bills recently (for like maybe a month or two? unsure) but ive stopped doing that now cuz if some personal stuff. Idk i hope he's going to be all right.

It seems childish to write this down but i made some new friends recently, as usual with me i started (mutually) flirting fairly soon so its pretty fun; tho i have been worrying a lot about how people view me and if im bothering them or not. It helps to remind myself that if i truly was they'd fuck off or we wouldn't be that good of a friend anyway.

Despite this I'm still alive tho I'm still stuck with a near ever-present feeling of loneliness that i think I'm just gonna have to live with. I don't know if ive always felt this way but im 19 now and it feels like ive had it for most of my life at this point. it sounds silly to say since im still pretty young, but this is my blog fuck you.

Earlier i mentioned getting into a fight with a friend (sort of) he said something silly like id do a good wheatley impression or some bollocks and it just absolutely broke my dysphoria and i just sobbed for an hour. God i hate that i fid that but it happened, I'm still gonna try and suppirt my friend with what i can but after the next two months i just can't.

at the end of the day i just wish i could be with my friends more and help them out with life and stuff ig.

i am getting better tho, im learning how to play vtm so i can play with some friends and yeah. theres also a dnd game with my warhammer friends coming up soon

i think im happy to be alive, or at least i want to be.

byyyyyyyyeeeeeee.

[showponyyy]

thank my lucky pennies!

Janurary 8, 2025

i broke dry january again for a hot toddy because i wanted both liquor blanket and a warm beverage 

it’s bitterly cold in new york and la is on fire and im going to be sober on top of all that?

i took a piss in the chelsea hotel today 

i saw a just fine exhibit at the gagosian that wasn’t worth my trip into chelsea. but the piss stop at the chelsea hotel was. *and seeing mia of course ive been in mia drought*

i found 3 lucky pennies today

i saw a french lesbian film from 1960’s, therese and isabelle at the film noir cinema in greenpoint. 

i couldn’t tell if my gen-z-tik-tok-rotted brain was tired or if the movie was just slow-paced lulling me to watch through waning eyelids. my 20 something year old friends and i discuss our worry for ourselves and our peers after all agreeing it was hard to “lock in to the movie because of the pacing and long takes.” sigh. emielyn announces she deleted the tik tok app off her phone today and we all nod in approval. she quickly confesses that she spent hours on the tik tok web browser today on her computer instead.

i felt inspired by the way the film captured the two girls' bodies. they were so artful and so free. its hard not to think about myself and how i have never felt that way in my body before*. i read something after about the film which was surprisingly risque for the time (although it was french) that said—

‘So here we have extraordinary writing about sex; and, more importantly, about love, and the way it makes us feel. “Now is a night of obstacles. Her smell belongs to me. I have lost her smell. Give me back her smell.” Who has not felt like that, as the odour of the beloved evaporates from the sheets? “‘I wish you would look at me when I’m looking at you,’ she said behind me.” Who has not felt a similar kind of possessiveness? “It’s too stupid. A moment ago we understood each other.” Who hasn’t sometimes been astonished at the vertiginous nature of love, the way it is an unstable equilibrium, a magical but precarious balancing act? And: “My eyebrows brushed her eyebrows. ‘It’s incredible the way I’m seeing you,’ she says.” ‘So we are, in fact, a long way from pornography, although perhaps not too far from what pornography (written pornography, that is) tries to do: which is to make us believe in plausible minds behind the genitals, so that there is some agency behind the act. Anaïs Nin, obliged to write porn to make ends meet, had a natural instinct to make it more “artistic”; here, the art is the point.’ –– Nicholas Lezard, The Guardian

worst english dub ive ever seen tho

i went to twins lounge after and bummed a light from a person who i'm pretty sure was meg superstar princess. im embarrassed when my friends don’t know who im talking about. gen-z-tik-tok brain rot /: except in this case its more like blogger-indie-sleaze-reads-too-much-paper-magazine-brain rot .. 

la is on fire and texas is frozen 

so i make real pasta* for dinner because its not gonna matter how i look anymore* least of the worries on my plate! 

i’m letting my to do list pile up to record numbers 

but i choose to read my book* anyway and play my sudokus 

colin tells me many times this trip that im a good host

i feel thankful for something the south gave me for once 

*my mind is drifting to the concept of sexual anorexia, something madeline brought to my attention this past week, it intrigues me though im skeptical and mostly just want to learn about it as it informs the zeitgeist

*normally i opt for the chickpea/brown rice/buckwheat variations that i never like as much but feel better about eating a whole bowl of

*a bowl of pasta won’t hurt you and im anxious leaving this in bc i dont condone any pro ed propoganda 

*i’m reading the price of salt for my book club yay lessy lit! 

[rarepairnation]

3, 23, 24, 25, 27 and 30? 💕

hi hi ria!! blessings of rain be upon ye...

3. how you feel about your current wip

i am RATTLING the bars of the cage in my brain!!! by that i mean the faramir goes to rivendell au is possibly my favourite best thing ive ever written i am just stuck in the mudpit of the current conversation and i would like to. not be there. but i really do love working on it it feels like gradually assembling a structure around a framework and when i step back and really look at it its just. jrr tolkien and i are having A Conversation. you know? like yes!! i AM transforming the work!! i AM deciding whether he would fucking say that and i do think i am right at least 92% of the time!! ive had the concept of the au in my head for probably 3-4 years at least and i feel like. well i was never really going to feel Ready to write it. and yet i am grabbing it in my hands and doing it anyway and it IS making me a much better writer and i can Feel it. yeah i love it.

and umbar fic/situationship au is just me pushing the bounds of do it weird/do it horny/do it self-indulgent and it is. SO MUCH FUN. i think there has always been a little block in my head stopping me from doing that i mean like everything i write is kind of like. this is specifically created to cater to me. but the panopticon in my head is a crazy thing. but step by step we are defeating it. this is like the next step up from just so long as this thing's loaded which was kind of my first time pushing those bounds and. i mean there are a lot of things about that one that i think i could improve now (this is my REAL answer to that "would you rewrite anything" question from the other ask meme) but it definitely got me here. never underestimate the power of a rarepair to make you WEIRD. (<- abby rarepairnationcore sentences...)

23. pick three keywords that describe your writing

what is this a job application? LOL just kidding but i do suck at these. um. atmospheric. character-driven (yes this is two words but it is true). interrogative (i am IN THERE with. either the original text. or the minds of the characters. shakes u like a snow globe WHAT is going on in your head).

24. how do you recharge when you're not feeling creative?

im really bad at this. like actually spectacularly abysmal. i mostly sit around feeling sorry for myself for three to nine months. until i eventually buck up the motivation and executive function to actually (re)consume a piece of media and more often than not it will seize me by the throat and lead me out of the pit. yeah this does usually work best with things ive seen before that will awaken a dormant fixation.

25. besides writing, what are your other hobbies?

going to the grocery store. doing my dishes. LOL ok when i am Not Writing A Novel-Length Fic i knit. one day i will start doing it again i want to make. the extensive sweater vest collection of my dreams. but i already have this repetitive stress injury because i type for eight hours at work and then come home and type for four more and i think if i started knitting again on top of that i would immediately crumble to dust. and um. is that it? that can't be it. i do calligraphy sometimes. WAIT LOL I BIND BOOKS. -> @hexagonspress

27. your favourite part of the writing process

omg ok i'm not sure if this is like my Top Number One Favourite but ive recently started really enjoying drafting out ao3 tags and start/end notes it's really fun to work out what things i want people to notice that i might wanna talk about in the end notes and compressing everything down into tags (to varying extents) is also just a neat way to think about like. what was i trying to capture/convey with the fic. e.g. whether i wanna be really wordy with it and get it all out in there or just have the reader go in pretty much blind.

30. share a fic you're especially proud of

maybe i'll never shut up about TO THE VERY DEAR MEMORY OF [ ] but like...you guys. i love it so much. it's so so experimental because the place in my mind that is wrapped around yancy becket is so....complicated and full of grief and fundamentally altering to my brain chemistry and i can only capture it through the world's craziest extended metaphors but i kind of feel like i pulled it off. it is like truly the tip of the iceberg of a LOT of stuff that is really fundamental to honestly a lot of my? lotr work? i mean the way i think about water metaphors...the fundamental dead brother complex baked into my writer's brain...it's all pacific rim in there. this fic marinated in my head for THREE YEARS. that is the longest from inception to completion that any of my (published) work has existed (unpublished is a whole different story. there's a longfic that i created at the beginning of my freshman year of college and has stuck around into postgrad. i mean. girl). i wrote the poem that each first line of every section is extracted from in my parents' house during covid lockdown. and then it just had to sit and develop and develop until the yancy becket death anniversary this year yanked it forcibly out of my head and into a fully-formed format.

fic writer's asks

[soconfusedwithmylife]

i love subnautica but dude is it buggy as shit lmao although! its one of its charms since its funky most of the time ESPECIALLY when its not happening to you. like i had a peeper stuck in the corner of my lifepod just rotating?? and it would close its eyes when i would come close or a shine light on it and open them back up when i go away or close the light. or like when a poor spadefish or boneshark gets yeeted across the ocean for no reason. is it funny to look back on a warper coming out of the sea to you like some fucked up little mermaid or a chelicerate busting through a ventgarden to attack you? sure. but is it fucked up in the moment? NO. the latter happened to my sister while i was there to emotionally support her on her way to get alan's whateverthefucks lmao. she loves and prefers below zero majorly over the og mostly because it was the first one she played and she grew attached to it over the beta,, she hates where they ended up with the finished product. i played like half an hour of it in the beta decided it wasnt for me. i get SUPER jealous of the seamonkeys and the mineral detector tho. ayoooo rip to you consolers but im different B) pc is superior in the way it literally lets you fuck around with however you want and you bet i Will Play God whenever applicable! what else do you play? also now that we are talking about games i have to tell you. i love you and and your writing. but the feelings ive felt when i read you put him in plat............. my boy should have been at least diamond from the start im still in tears from that chapter i still havent recovered to this day how could you do my boy like this. how could you doubt his epic gamer skills and gaming time management issues like this. please explain yourself before my entire life falls apart at your feet. also me, an adc main, reading "accidentally kill the large-"

my boy was holding it in by shEEr power of love. especially after they nerfed the fuck out of adc to the point mfs will be rolling up the lane with double ap or a fucking yasuo. why is there always a fucking yasuo on enemy bot lane. and why do they all share the same zombie braincell. yone did not die for this bullshit. and to answer your question it depends on where im sending the question from lol. like on mobile there is like a 300? i think? character limit while on mobile and something similar on pc if i go to your blog site and choose ask from your theme. but here is the thing. if i go to your blog from tumblr/user instead of user.tumblr, then click ask, it literally gives me the same box as if im making a post. so no text limit whatsoever and i can freely send pics and stuff, pretty neat B)

nah i think at the end of the day doing whatever makes you the most comfortable and happy regarding the uploads is the most important! i just liked having multiple days of something nice to me ya know? not necessarily the fact that it was split. and i love them both!! the reason i call it texas touya fic is because one, when i started reading tomura was still more like on the sidelines and it kinda stuck two, it rolls of the tongue easier than texas tomura i guess? but i love them both T-T both as texans and in general! oh and dont worry ill probably bore you till you tell me to go away or something and and and! have a nice day!

I almost wish my game was as buggy as yours sounds. It sounds hilarious and game enriching. Mine doesn't like to glitch up but that probably because I played on PS4 and 5. Right after original launch of plain Subnautica, I got to the lava castle but the containment area wouldn't load so I had to start a new save. Hours down the drain.

^legit me after going through the entirety of the game again. Reapers, warpers, ghosts, and sea dragons biting chunks out of my ass all over again. But it was soooooo fun. It's one of my fave games.

OMG the backseat support gamer!!! I had one of those too for my second play through of oh Subnautica! Good on you to emotionally and psychologically hype your sister for the spookiness. I really liked below zero the first time I played it since I was just super hyped to have more Subnautica period but playing them again, you can definitely feel a substantial difference in atmosphere and replayability. Below zero just felt cramped and not as scary while Subnautica was open to terror from any direction. I totally understand your first experience being your favorite though. Whoa! You played it in the beta??? That's awesome! I'm but a lowly console peasant (until I get my PC fixed 😈) so I had to wait for console release.

OMFG DUDE. I was literally going to make him diamond II or even master BUT I didn't want a mega mind gamer in the comments to be like "erm, tomura wouldn't be diamond. It's hard to get to diamond!!11!" So I lowered his stats and you know what's CRAZY?! Me and a friend were talking about this exact issue and she brought up how he should have been at least diamond and I said the exact same story lmao. So I will go back and edit him into diamond 💀 he deserves it. The CS steal is so real 😔 so uncalled for. So unsophisticated. Okay but playing yasuo is fun, going against a yasuo is cancer. The wind shield is op. (When I'm playing against a yasuo) but sucks balls and blocks nada when I play him. (It's a zombie braincell hivemind that we all take turns with)

You're a Tumblr pro dude. 💀 I hadn't used it since 2015 so I'm still getting the hang of it (it doesn't tell me when I get notifs btw so I'm sorry for leaving you hanging for TWO WEEKS)

It legit means so much to me that you find so much joy in my writing and have stuck with it even with the long periods between updates. I appreciate you and the time you put into talking to me. It means a lot to me and you're the coolest anon I know.

Oh! And other games I play are pretty much anything 💀 I try to not get into competitive games like overwatch, Apex, or CSGO because I get EXTREMELY competitive and start screeching like a wounded animal. I used to play league religiously until my PC broke and my laptops can't run it (it can but it's like I'm either crashing or playing on PowerPoint) so I'm saving to get a new processor so I can play again! I mained ADC (jinx and Ashe, sometimes Tristana) or Annie on mid (LOL) BUT other than those, I prettyuch like anything. My fave games are Horizon Zero Dawn, Fable 2, Binding of Isaac, Assassin's Creed 2, and Minecraft! I play lots of survival games like ark, the forest, 7 days to die, and so on. I like simulation games Sims (obviously), house flipper, power wash simulator or even farming simulator 💀. You name a game, I've either played it or know about it.

They are my loves. They are my special boys and I care deeply for their fictional existence. As Texans, futuristic jerkwads, and in general.

No way will you ever bore me. If anything, I'll bore you

ANYWAY I will literally talk forever if given a chance 😬 thank you for talking to me! I'm always so excited to hear from you! I consider you a good friend at this point. How long has it been? Like 3 months? Maybe more???